I’m an absolute joke and a broken record and I’m totally sorry but I’ve been in a right hole again this week… I mean, it’s basically just a variation on the continuous theme of ‘being me’ but here I am again, telling you I’ve spent the majority of the week feeling PANTS.
It's not just you! Honestly that bullet point list sounds a lot like neurodivergence. I only mention it because it can be so powerful to reframe perceived flaws as differences.
Realizing I am neurodivergent really changed the way I see myself and the things I find hard. Neurodivergence is just a different way of being and processing the world. Your brain is beautiful! It's okay to need more time, extra supports, do things differently.
(Thanks so much for this cake recipe! It looks lush!)
Hey Sarah, really interesting that you mention it, it's been mentioned to me quite a bit recently, I made a half hearted effort to get help/be tested but I find it so challenging to put myself through the stress and upheaval of the appointments/assessment that it all feels a bit too daunting... I also feel that I don't want to waste peoples' time if I'm not it... oh and I think of neurodivergent people as being really incredible, clever, wizard-y people... and I'm like, 'woah, I'm not good enough' - make sense? In short... I haven't pursued it enough and probably should!!! Thank you so much for the message! xx
I just realizing it's taken me 2 weeks to reply to this. I've been mentally composing it for all that time. 😂
Regarding neurodivergence I think the most helpful thing is to remember it shows up differently for everyone ("the vast spectrum") so you won't ever relate to every single thing.
The savant/wizard thing is definitely played up by media, isn't it? Although I see you as a baking wizard to be honest. You were a finalist on The Great British Bake Off! 😘
It can feel overwhelming to start. I might suggest exploring sensory processing (I will link a video I made about that below) and executive function.
For myself the diagnosis itself was less helpful than the mindset work that came after. Everything changed when I accepted my brain was experiences the world differently (more intensely) and began exploring what supports might help.
Happy to answer any questions or chat over email sometime if that would be helpful. I've just started a podcast about neurodivergence over on the Substack publication linked below.
Not just you!! Really! I don’t know how my family puts up with me but somehow they do. And they seem to actually love and like me still, so I am trying to do my best to accept their love and sit with who I am and try to think of what I can do to show love to them back. It’s hard to not feel like I’m always failing because I’m constantly behind but to my loved ones that stuff doesn’t matter. It’s being there for them that matters. So trying to reconcile it all too. And trying to be thankful.
I’ve been looking forward to seeing the results of your chocolate cake project that you showed on IG, and this looks fantastic!! Been craving chocolate cake so much lately! The cake looks so plush 😍
Heya, bless you - I'm sure you're family don't need to 'put up' with you because you provide such a light in their lives... but I do know what you mean, when you feel like you are being the worst version of yourself and you think, 'gosh, I'm really pushing them over the edge here?' You're so right that your very presence is enough and will always be enough for the people who matter!
If you try the chocolate cake, do let me know what you think... hope you are having a good week! xx
I did! Consistency was incredible. My decorating was done a little under the pull & I’m not feeling too clever today as I have a chest infection but here is my cake
Just subscribed to your Substack. Wow what a great column. Thank you so much for being so generous with your work. LOVE the look of your cake- will make it for sure, and the way you give exact instructions is just right for someone like me that wants to know the why as well as how.
I’m very pleased you give us your thoughts about how you’re feeling too. That overwhelm is an absolute bugger. It saddens me that someone as talented as you obviously are is beset with difficulty. You wrote about it so elequently. I hope it helps you a bit to put down exactly how you’re feeling. I hope also that with the spring coming- (although sometimes I feel that sunny days are full of so much pressure to feel great and on top of the world. Sometimes if one doesn’t than it just serves to make everything worse....) life might have a few better, less overwhelming days.
Steph - judging from the comments we are here because we like you and like your recipes and writing. Thanks for putting down in written words what many others (if not most) are thinking often. The mind is a terrible thing to have to manage! Cheers. Scott
I have been debating whether or not to write a response but, seeing as I am your pen pal, I thought stop stressing and do it!
Almost all of what you have written is relatable, well to me anyway. I’ll give you an example. We are adopting two kittens in a couple of weeks - how exciting, I hear you say. Well yes, it is. We already have a cat so “know what we’re doing”…. but then my anxiety kicks in and I think what if this…? What if that..? Will they be safe? …and then I think …..for goodness sake it will be fine …stop stressing!
Do you see where I’m going with this? I know I’m a bit OCD. I also know I’m more anxious than I used to be and sometimes it would be so much easier, safer to just stay at home. Even a trip to the hairdresser can sometimes make me anxious. What if the car won’t start and I can’t get home? - how stupid is that! It’s as though my brain is trying to find things to worry about.
So with all my ramblings what I’m trying to say is that your “perspective” is totally relatable and (I hope as I’ve shown) normal. Well, normal and relatable to me anyway. Reading it made me feel I wasn’t the only one. So thank you for that.
I don’t have any answers except I do try and tell myself, when I’m having a moment, that it will be ok. And that’s as much as I can do.
I wasn’t expecting this reply to be sooooo long! Sorry!
Lots of love and Keep Smiling, your pen pal
Lisa x
P.s I will keep you posted on the joys of my two kittens when they arrive. ☺️
"Does anyone find any of that MILDLY relatable or is it just me? *Deafening silence* - I’m thinking it’s probably just me."
I can relate to many of your challenges so you are not alone. Reading the latest news letter I could feel your brain processing at 100%+++. I relate not to starting your car and putting your foot hard down on the accelerator but not in gear. You may look switched off but your brain is extremely active.
Your newsletter reminds me that I am not the only one with an over active brain.
It’s not just you. It will be ok. It’s not just your brain. We are here. Thank you so much for sharing so we are not alone and also we are not hungry. ❤️
I wouldn't pay for a newsletter if I didn't enjoy your writing. I have felt everything you're feeling in your summary. Ever watch Schitt's Creek? There's this one episode where Alexis has to tell her brother "nobody cares, David" when he's worried about how he well his driving test will go. I've told myself that repeatedly whenever I feel like people are judging me because I know everyone else is too wrapped up in their own lives. I hope all the comments show you how appreciative all of your readers are of you. An aside, if you happen to know of a dairy-free, egg-free whole wheat hot cross bun recipe, please, please share.
Hey Brent, you're absolutely right - I so often think exactly the same!
As for the hot cross bun request - ok so unfortunately, altering that many of the components in a hot cross bun, is likely to compromise it quite a bit - removing dairy and eggs is feasible but then making them exclusively wholewheat, will result in quite a heavy bun - I'm not saying it's unachievable but I think it would take a fair amount of experimentation. I don't know of any recipes myself but if I ever come across one, I will be SURE to let you know!
Thank you for the hug and sending one right back to you! x
Steph, you are an absolute inspiration. I wish you could see yourself as others see you. You’re so brave for letting us us into your feelings. Thank you. (If you can see my picture, it’s my attempt at your chocoffee bombe)
Firstly, what a delightful message - thank you so so so much! Second, YES I CAN SEE YOUR PIC - it looks amazing - I really liked that dessert - chocolate and coffee is such a winner eh? Did you enjoy it? x
This mirrors my thoughts exactly - “I wish you could see yourself as others see you”. I’ve admired Steph’s achievements since GBBO (there’s no way I would dare put myself out there like she did, amazing!) and especially her openness about mental health challenges, and the appreciation and warmth towards her on Insta and on here is clear to see. It’s like a big community hug for her each week. I hope she gets comfort from our empathy and comments.
Thanks so much David - I get huge hugeeee comfort from all of your comments each week - I honestly adore them, I feel huge guilt when I don't get back to you all but I promise they are always valued SO much!
You are not on your own lovely and your honesty about this validates so many people who struggle on alone and try to hide it. Whatever path you choose your openness around MH sets you apart. I could feel the mental exhaustion just reading your post. My 14yo as I write is making mini egg blondies and told me last week that ‘baking calms me down’. She absolutely loves your insta posts.
Also I personally feel chocolate recipes like that cannot be categorised as anything but a top achievement for the week. Sending love and hugs xx
Charlotte, I love your messages SO much, thank you for your endless support, it means the world and it really puts things in perspective for me - I am currently in a chocolate chip cookie hole - and I'm being ridiculous again, I'm not even sure I know what I'm trying to achieve! lol! Anyway, sending huge hugs to you and your daughter! xxx
It's not just you! Honestly that bullet point list sounds a lot like neurodivergence. I only mention it because it can be so powerful to reframe perceived flaws as differences.
Realizing I am neurodivergent really changed the way I see myself and the things I find hard. Neurodivergence is just a different way of being and processing the world. Your brain is beautiful! It's okay to need more time, extra supports, do things differently.
(Thanks so much for this cake recipe! It looks lush!)
Hey Sarah, really interesting that you mention it, it's been mentioned to me quite a bit recently, I made a half hearted effort to get help/be tested but I find it so challenging to put myself through the stress and upheaval of the appointments/assessment that it all feels a bit too daunting... I also feel that I don't want to waste peoples' time if I'm not it... oh and I think of neurodivergent people as being really incredible, clever, wizard-y people... and I'm like, 'woah, I'm not good enough' - make sense? In short... I haven't pursued it enough and probably should!!! Thank you so much for the message! xx
Hi Stephi!
I just realizing it's taken me 2 weeks to reply to this. I've been mentally composing it for all that time. 😂
Regarding neurodivergence I think the most helpful thing is to remember it shows up differently for everyone ("the vast spectrum") so you won't ever relate to every single thing.
The savant/wizard thing is definitely played up by media, isn't it? Although I see you as a baking wizard to be honest. You were a finalist on The Great British Bake Off! 😘
It can feel overwhelming to start. I might suggest exploring sensory processing (I will link a video I made about that below) and executive function.
For myself the diagnosis itself was less helpful than the mindset work that came after. Everything changed when I accepted my brain was experiences the world differently (more intensely) and began exploring what supports might help.
Happy to answer any questions or chat over email sometime if that would be helpful. I've just started a podcast about neurodivergence over on the Substack publication linked below.
A video about sensory processing and overload: https://open.substack.com/pub/neurodivergentspacetime/p/welcome-to-neurodivergent-spacetime
Steph, you're creating masterpieces over there. Thank you for sharing...all of it! xo
Bless you thank you and such a pleasure! xxx
Not just you!! Really! I don’t know how my family puts up with me but somehow they do. And they seem to actually love and like me still, so I am trying to do my best to accept their love and sit with who I am and try to think of what I can do to show love to them back. It’s hard to not feel like I’m always failing because I’m constantly behind but to my loved ones that stuff doesn’t matter. It’s being there for them that matters. So trying to reconcile it all too. And trying to be thankful.
I’ve been looking forward to seeing the results of your chocolate cake project that you showed on IG, and this looks fantastic!! Been craving chocolate cake so much lately! The cake looks so plush 😍
Heya, bless you - I'm sure you're family don't need to 'put up' with you because you provide such a light in their lives... but I do know what you mean, when you feel like you are being the worst version of yourself and you think, 'gosh, I'm really pushing them over the edge here?' You're so right that your very presence is enough and will always be enough for the people who matter!
If you try the chocolate cake, do let me know what you think... hope you are having a good week! xx
I now feel an overwhelming need to make this chocolates malty cake this week for morning tea after Good Friday morning service at church......
I can see that the focus of this week is very likely going to be perfecting aforementioned cake.
It sounds perfectly luscious so will photograph my results (if they are indeed okay).
Wishing you a calmer week & hope that your mind is able to settle a little.
PS - it’s not just you!
TIFFANY... did you make it?
Thank you so much for your lovely message! hope you are having a good week,
xx
I can’t seem to get a photo to load in here to show you my end result
I did! Consistency was incredible. My decorating was done a little under the pull & I’m not feeling too clever today as I have a chest infection but here is my cake
Just subscribed to your Substack. Wow what a great column. Thank you so much for being so generous with your work. LOVE the look of your cake- will make it for sure, and the way you give exact instructions is just right for someone like me that wants to know the why as well as how.
I’m very pleased you give us your thoughts about how you’re feeling too. That overwhelm is an absolute bugger. It saddens me that someone as talented as you obviously are is beset with difficulty. You wrote about it so elequently. I hope it helps you a bit to put down exactly how you’re feeling. I hope also that with the spring coming- (although sometimes I feel that sunny days are full of so much pressure to feel great and on top of the world. Sometimes if one doesn’t than it just serves to make everything worse....) life might have a few better, less overwhelming days.
Thanks again- loved it xxx
Steph - judging from the comments we are here because we like you and like your recipes and writing. Thanks for putting down in written words what many others (if not most) are thinking often. The mind is a terrible thing to have to manage! Cheers. Scott
Thanks so much for the support Scott - honestly means so much when people can relate!
Hope you are having a good week! Steph x
Hi Steph, me again.
I have been debating whether or not to write a response but, seeing as I am your pen pal, I thought stop stressing and do it!
Almost all of what you have written is relatable, well to me anyway. I’ll give you an example. We are adopting two kittens in a couple of weeks - how exciting, I hear you say. Well yes, it is. We already have a cat so “know what we’re doing”…. but then my anxiety kicks in and I think what if this…? What if that..? Will they be safe? …and then I think …..for goodness sake it will be fine …stop stressing!
Do you see where I’m going with this? I know I’m a bit OCD. I also know I’m more anxious than I used to be and sometimes it would be so much easier, safer to just stay at home. Even a trip to the hairdresser can sometimes make me anxious. What if the car won’t start and I can’t get home? - how stupid is that! It’s as though my brain is trying to find things to worry about.
So with all my ramblings what I’m trying to say is that your “perspective” is totally relatable and (I hope as I’ve shown) normal. Well, normal and relatable to me anyway. Reading it made me feel I wasn’t the only one. So thank you for that.
I don’t have any answers except I do try and tell myself, when I’m having a moment, that it will be ok. And that’s as much as I can do.
I wasn’t expecting this reply to be sooooo long! Sorry!
Lots of love and Keep Smiling, your pen pal
Lisa x
P.s I will keep you posted on the joys of my two kittens when they arrive. ☺️
Hey lovely, please always always reply, I absolutely adore getting your messages and you're a wonderful pen pal!
Completely relate to EVERYTHING you have said here and thank you so much for sharing!
Bit of a rubbish reply from me because I feel unreasonably tired tonight (but wanted to get back to you having just read your message)
I hope you're having a reasonable week anyway and please do keep me posted on Kitten-gate - I wanna see them!
Sending loads of love! xxx
It is good to see another news letter.
"Does anyone find any of that MILDLY relatable or is it just me? *Deafening silence* - I’m thinking it’s probably just me."
I can relate to many of your challenges so you are not alone. Reading the latest news letter I could feel your brain processing at 100%+++. I relate not to starting your car and putting your foot hard down on the accelerator but not in gear. You may look switched off but your brain is extremely active.
Your newsletter reminds me that I am not the only one with an over active brain.
Look after yourself.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you so much for your empathy and kindness - appreciate it so much!
Hope you are having a good week!
xx
It’s not just you. It will be ok. It’s not just your brain. We are here. Thank you so much for sharing so we are not alone and also we are not hungry. ❤️
Hey Jessica bless you - sending loads of love! xxx
I wouldn't pay for a newsletter if I didn't enjoy your writing. I have felt everything you're feeling in your summary. Ever watch Schitt's Creek? There's this one episode where Alexis has to tell her brother "nobody cares, David" when he's worried about how he well his driving test will go. I've told myself that repeatedly whenever I feel like people are judging me because I know everyone else is too wrapped up in their own lives. I hope all the comments show you how appreciative all of your readers are of you. An aside, if you happen to know of a dairy-free, egg-free whole wheat hot cross bun recipe, please, please share.
Sending you an internet hug! Have a great week!
Hey Brent, you're absolutely right - I so often think exactly the same!
As for the hot cross bun request - ok so unfortunately, altering that many of the components in a hot cross bun, is likely to compromise it quite a bit - removing dairy and eggs is feasible but then making them exclusively wholewheat, will result in quite a heavy bun - I'm not saying it's unachievable but I think it would take a fair amount of experimentation. I don't know of any recipes myself but if I ever come across one, I will be SURE to let you know!
Thank you for the hug and sending one right back to you! x
Steph, you are an absolute inspiration. I wish you could see yourself as others see you. You’re so brave for letting us us into your feelings. Thank you. (If you can see my picture, it’s my attempt at your chocoffee bombe)
Firstly, what a delightful message - thank you so so so much! Second, YES I CAN SEE YOUR PIC - it looks amazing - I really liked that dessert - chocolate and coffee is such a winner eh? Did you enjoy it? x
It was wonderful! But the feeling of accomplishment was even better!
This mirrors my thoughts exactly - “I wish you could see yourself as others see you”. I’ve admired Steph’s achievements since GBBO (there’s no way I would dare put myself out there like she did, amazing!) and especially her openness about mental health challenges, and the appreciation and warmth towards her on Insta and on here is clear to see. It’s like a big community hug for her each week. I hope she gets comfort from our empathy and comments.
Thanks so much David - I get huge hugeeee comfort from all of your comments each week - I honestly adore them, I feel huge guilt when I don't get back to you all but I promise they are always valued SO much!
You are not on your own lovely and your honesty about this validates so many people who struggle on alone and try to hide it. Whatever path you choose your openness around MH sets you apart. I could feel the mental exhaustion just reading your post. My 14yo as I write is making mini egg blondies and told me last week that ‘baking calms me down’. She absolutely loves your insta posts.
Also I personally feel chocolate recipes like that cannot be categorised as anything but a top achievement for the week. Sending love and hugs xx
Charlotte, I love your messages SO much, thank you for your endless support, it means the world and it really puts things in perspective for me - I am currently in a chocolate chip cookie hole - and I'm being ridiculous again, I'm not even sure I know what I'm trying to achieve! lol! Anyway, sending huge hugs to you and your daughter! xxx
So sorry you’re having it tough at the moment - but if it’s any consolation that cake was just perfection 😍
No.1 taste tester! THANK YOUUUUUU!
And the hot cross buns - beautiful. 😋😋😋😋