#33 Perspective

I’m an absolute joke and a broken record and I’m totally sorry but I’ve been in a right hole again this week… I mean, it’s basically just a variation on the continuous theme of ‘being me’ but here I am again, telling you I’ve spent the majority of the week feeling PANTS.

I won’t dwell too much on it, (who am I kidding, I probably will), but in brief, the issues scrambling my brain have been as follows:

1. I can’t decide what to do or where to start (specifically with reference to the newsletter but also LIFE) … when the possibilities are endless and my mind is full of ideas, I want to make them all happen… which would be fine if I went about them logically… but I don’t of course. Instead, I feel completely overwhelmed, incredibly anxious, and IF at any stage I try to pursue the possibilities on my radar, I tend to employ a ‘scattergun’ approach, aka go at it all at once. Result? Generally, sub optimal.

2. I am incapable of focussing on one thing. I have a head full of sparkly ideas, I sit down at my computer, or pick up my phone, even bury myself in a book (recipe book obv), with the full intention of looking at X, however, my brain suddenly thinks of Y, or stumbles across Z, and before I know it, I’m deep into something I had zero intention of looking at in the first place.

3. … having ended up at a subject I never intended on looking at, I then fixate on it… LIKE REALLY FIXATE! I can’t think of anything BUT IT, I go to bed thinking about it, I wake up still thinking about it, I dream of it, I consider EVERY eventuality or permutation in regard to it and question EVERYTHING. It becomes relentless and I won’t settle until I have resolved, (at least to a certain extent), the conundrum.

4. Resolving any conundrum rarely happens because I’m always convinced that I haven’t considered or analysed every scenario… #perfectionist.

5. Despite my desire for perfection, I also want immediate results or at least answers - which frankly isn’t realistic. I also become increasingly anxious with the mounting pressure I apply to myself! Is your head spinning? Because mine is.

6. Besides this, there are also all the What if’s … What If I tried a different method? or a bit more of X or Y ingredient? What if I go somewhere and this happens? What if someone asks me to do something that I’m not comfortable with? What if I do it wrong? What if I upset someone? What If I have nothing to write in the newsletter this week? What if I can’t organise my thoughts logically or write it in time? What if I’m talking absolute rubbish and everyone hates what I’m writing?

7. I’m always a bit late… not in reality, in fact, I’m incredibly prompt when it comes to meeting people and arriving at appointments, but being prepared for key dates, nope! Why am I late? Refer to point 1. Yup, you guessed it, too many ideas or a task that feels too mammoth to ‘prepare for’. It struck me TODAY *(it’s Saturday), that next weekend is Easter and I’m yet to make a hot cross bun - a travesty- I intend to rectify this failing next week, and will, hopefully, hit up your inboxes with a chunk of HXB content.

8. I’m a misery… what some find funny or entertaining, I find a bit dull or boring. The only thing that currently enthuses me is the intrigue and mastery of baking and cooking, oh and living my life vicariously through others as they holiday in far flung places - OH GOD I’M SO SAD!!!

9. … I also don’t love leaving the house at the moment. Sometimes it’s because the house feels safe and comfortable - I feel in control and I’m in a routine, albeit a somewhat unsatisfactory routine. Other times it’s because I haven’t got the energy to engage with people, I also think I’m such a bore that no-one would want to spend time with me. Then there is the thought that I’m going to feel uncomfortable or not enjoy a situation (based on my past experience of something) which makes me reluctant to step out of my safe zone in the first place, because WHY WOULD I? And on the odd occasion that I do spend time with people, I don’t trust that they have enjoyed themselves in my company; even if they say they have, they’re obviously just saying it to be nice… which subsequently makes me question myself and or feel guilty about things I may have said or done. Yuck!

10. As if this onslaught of anxiety and worry isn’t enough, then comes the guilt - just to magnify the discomfort of the situation a touch more. Why guilt? well, I’m in an UNBELIEVABLY privileged position - I have a house over my head, a loving Mum - and dog, food & water on the table, warmth, and a relatively safe existence. Nevertheless, I find the power of my mind can completely ignore rational and logic thought at times when my mood is generally low, or stress is heightened.

The upshot of my whirring, chaotic brain activity this week, is that: I haven’t slept well, have been extremely unproductive, have baked another lorry load of chocolate cakes - which became my fixation on Sunday/Monday… (and continued into Tuesday/Wednesday & and trickled into Thursday), I’m now convinced I could write a book on chocolate sponge cakes. I have subsequently failed to do things that actually *need* doing, have questioned myself relentlessly, have anticipated further failure in the ensuing days, and am now sitting down to write this with only 24 hours to sending it out, I’m an idiot.

Does anyone find any of that MILDLY relatable or is it just me? *Deafening silence* - I’m thinking it’s probably just me.

I’m conscious that I’m making it all sound a bit flippant here. The reality is far from that, if anyone has experienced similar emotions, they will understand how all-encompassing it can be IN THE MOMENT. I can look back on a situation with a bit more perspective and clarity, but in the here and now, the outlook is grey, in fact it reminds me of standing on the side of a busy road or even motorway, there are cars whizzing past, it’s loud, you become dizzy with how frenetic it all feels and you want to run for the hills.

I know I’m echoing so much of what I have written in the past and I’m conscious that you must all just think, a) pull yourself together, b) ‘see a specialist’ c) ‘chin up’, d) shut up Steph and find something different to chat about. Trust me, these are all things I question or assume to be the solution or tell myself when I feel rubbish. However, past experience tells be that a/b/c/d just don’t work for me, what DOES work, is:

• Talking to my Mum or friends. Rationalising the issue that I am facing and *hopefully* gaining some perspective. Chocolate cake and or this newsletter don’t constitute brain surgery, neither does the logistics of going to a physio appointment.

• TRY TRY TRYINGGGG to have a level of confidence that ‘everything will be ok in the end’ - it’s unbelievably challenging to accept this when you feel rubbish or out of control, but it’s an absolute fact.

• Redirecting my focus for even 5 minutes. Becoming SO bogged down with things means that all clarity and perspective diminish, but recognising the inconsequentiality of any given situation in terms of the World/Galaxy/Universe, is quite humbling. If I can slightly step back from a situation and consider the ‘bigger picture’ and how infinitely small (and relatively insignificant) I am in the context of existence, I can chuckle to myself a bit and think, OMG, worry X means NOTHING - just go and play!!

• The grass isn’t greener. The life of my friends or people I follow online is probably (definitely) not as perfect as it seems (I have a tendency to generate my own - often falsely positive - narrative of peoples’ lives that ‘fill in the gaps’ between the snapshots I glimpse online). I’m not ‘behind’ my best mate, or ahead of my little sister and running out of time, I’m just right… and circumstances will evolve exactly as they should - I better believe it!

• Recognising the sweet little moments in my daily routine - I could journal these things, but I’m absolutely NOT organised enough to do this, so I tend to just think, oh this is nice. I also am comforted by remembering blissful little moments in the past - counterintuitively, when I feel overwhelmed, I’ll often try to recall a situation where I felt completely zen and relaxed - it may have been fleeting and my memory of it may even have a positive bias, but I sometimes picture myself e.g. on a sunbed in Italy, the sun is shining, it’s a perfect temperature, I feel dopey with tiredness, the birds are singing - it’s actual bliss - this did happen this one time, someone please take me back there?

I’ll be honest, these ‘solutions’ don’t necessarily make the worries go away, they don’t always resolve a situation and they don’t ALL work every time, but they do all provide an ounce of PERSPECTIVE. 

As I write this now, looking back with hindsight over the week, and the things that felt insurmountable or overwhelming at the time, I can see that I was allowing my brain to scamper off to places that it didn’t need to go to, and if I’d just engaged a modicum of  perspective, I’d have realised that the likelihood was, that the things I wanted to achieve would happen in the end/in time, if  they didn’t, it wasn’t the end of the world; that the greyness I felt may not lift entirely but it may become paler, ‘light grey’ even if only for a brief moment. When it comes to the opinion of others, I cannot influence it, and does it matter what people think? Assuming I’m not being a malicious or bad person, no it doesn’t matter. I should be me; my slightly rugged and raw, authentic self - not everyone will love it, in fact no-one may LOVE it but hopefully it provides a bit of perspective and insight for anyone who is struggling in a similar way.

… I have one other idea for you to try if you’re feeling a bit grey - make my choccy cake! I’m quite convinced you will love every aspect of it, from making it to decorating it and of course eating it!

Malty Chocolate Cake

Ok, I’m chuckling to myself thinking about the chocolate cake adventure I went on this week. It all started when I woke up on Sunday morning and realised that I was about to run headfirst into Easter weekend without stopping to remotely acknowledge the Festive occasion! In my defence, Easter eggs have been adorning the supermarket aisles since December 26th, so I’ve been somewhat desensitised to the hint that ‘it’s on its way’!
Initially, I thought about hot cross buns, tea cakes, and ALL the spice (my favourites and pending next week)… but then, a flash of chocolate cake entered my psyche and frankly, there was no going back. The specific cake concept I had in mind was inspired by a Malteaser easter bunny that I spent too long staring at in a queue at the Co-op. Said Bunny got me thinking about how you could cake-ify a Malteaser bunny, and so the vision for a Malty chocolate cake was born. It was at this stage in the game that things got a bit messy. Instead of using the fudgy Devil’s food style chocolate cake recipe I had nailed down earlier in the year, I decided it might not have been as good as I remembered, and that I should probably completely maul the recipe in search of something *better*… idiot!!! My advice… never do this, if you have a concept that works, don’t try to make it ‘better’!

I won’t bore you with all the gory details, but crucially, after some ridiculous fails this week, I’m back where I started, and I can confirm, the recipe I came up with in February is as good as I thought back then - fudgy, rich with chocolate, yet ethereally light and melt in the mouth. Here I sandwiched two layers of the cake with the most addictive malt flavoured whipped cream and the LUSHEST chocolate ganache buttercream - again with a hint of Malt because we want it Malty rightttt?

Before you get cracking and just bake this thing already, I’m very conscious of a few things. Firstly, some would argue that this ‘one bowl’, oil and dairy style cake has been done to death over the years, so why bother faffing with it? The problem I have, when there are endless variations out there in the world, is how do you deduce which one is BEST? Therefore, a quest for my own version seemed reasonable and justified.
Secondly, as I mentioned before, I developed this recipe back in Feb following extensive experimentation at the time. Since then, baking Goddess Beth O’Brien has been on a similar chocolate cake quest… and we have literally ended up at almost exactly the same place - I’m not sure if she employed the spreadsheet approach but if she did, this may well be the reason we ended up with very similar results. Either way, I’m conscious that the recipes are quite alike, and I don’t want people to think that I’m a copycat, so I’m being transparent and feeling kinda chuffed that Beth and I agree on chocolate cake matters!
Thirdly, the chocolate ganache buttercream is adapted from Nicola Lamb’s Chocolate celebration cake, that she made to mark her 100th Kitchen Projects newsletter. Since December 2019, when I was commissioned to make a chocolate cake for a wonderful lady, I used a similar technique to that of Nicola, beating butter and sugar until light and fluffy, before adding a silky-smooth rich chocolate ganache to create a lush moussy buttercream. My version was/is great, but a little sweet for this cake. Nicola’s incorporates a dash of cocoa powder and uses less sugar for an altogether moodier affair that really hits the spot! I’ve slightly tampered with Nicola’s recipe and obviously included some Malt because #MALTCAKE, but really, it’s Nicola’s wizardry!

Ok, my final side note - I mentioned that this is an oil-based cake, it’s dense yet fluffy, not too sweet, chocolate-y and pure comfort. I tend to find this style of cake keeps better, is easier, and cheaper to prepare and ultimately tastes fabulous. However, I believe there is also a place for butter/chocolate-based cakes - like those that I made on Bake Off - I still absolutely adore the chocolate cakes I baked in the tent - reminiscent of brownie in flavour and depth, but lighter in texture. You can find the recipes on the Bake off Website here and here. I also intend on revisiting, and dare I say it, perfecting these recipes in the future, so watch this space!

Right, let’s get cracking!

Ingredients

Sponge cakes

250g Plain flour
80g Cocoa powder Green and Blacks
1 tsp Baking Powder (Mine weighed 5g)
1.5 tsp Bicarbonate of soda (Mine weighed just over 9g)
140g Caster Sugar
180g Soft light brown sugar
1/2 tsp sea salt
150g Light olive oil (I MEAN GRAMS - please weigh the oil for an accurate measure here - you could sub this with veg or sunflower oil but I like the flavour of the light olive here)
200g Buttermilk
2 Large Eggs (my total egg weight - out of their shells was 117g - if you were interested!)
1 tsp Vanilla extract
2.5 tsp Instant Espresso powder
200g Hot water from the kettle

Malt Cream

150g Double cream
1.5 tbsp light brown sugar approx 22g
1.5 Tbsp Malt powder approx 15g - I use Horlicks

Malt Chocolate ganache Buttercream

100g Double cream
100g Good quality Dark chocolate - I use 54% Callebaut or Lindt
120g Unsalted butter softened
30g Soft light brown sugar
20g Cocoa powder
10g Malt powder

Method

Preheat the oven to 180C/160C fan and grease and line 2 x 8-inch cake tins with baking parchment.

In a large bowl sift together the flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, bicarbonate of soda, sugars and salt. Use a balloon whisk to mix thoroughly.

Measure the coffee powder into a jug and pour over the hot water straight from the kettle.

Next combine the oil, buttermilk and eggs in a jug and use a hand whisk to mix until homogenous. Add the vanilla and mix again to incorporate.

Now add the oil/buttermilk/egg/vanilla mix to the dry ingredients, followed by the hot coffee. Use a spatula or whisk to quickly, but gently, mix everything together to form a smooth, fairly loose batter - make sure you scrape right around the outside of the bowl to gather in all the dry ingredients.

Working relatively quickly, transfer the batter to a large jug - 1L please - and divide the batter equally amongst the tins - should be approximately 650g/tin (I usually place the jug on my scales, zero it, then pour the batter in and note the total weight and pour out a little less than half the amount into one tin before pouring the remaining half into the next tin.

Transfer to the oven and bake for 30-35 minutes or until a skewer inserted into the centre of the cake comes out clean. Once baked, remove from the oven, leave to cool for 5 mins in the tins then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.

When the cakes have cooled, make your frosting. First measure the chocolate into a heatproof bowl and set aside. Meanwhile, measure the cream into a saucepan and heat until scalding hot. Once hot, pour the cream over the chocolate and leave to stand for 1 minute before stirring from the centre to form a smooth ganache - if you have any residual lumpy bits, you can place the bowl over a pan of gently simmering water and VERY carefully heat until smooth, but make sure the heat is low) Set aside to cool to room temp.

Meanwhile, beat the butter and sugar in a stand mixer until light and floofy, add the malt powder and cocoa powder and beat until homogenous. Once the ganache has cooled, pour into the butter mix, and beat until smooth and luscious. We want to use this fairly promptly as it starts to firm up quite quickly, so make it relatively close to when you intend on icing your cake.

For the cream filling, combine the double cream, malt powder and sugar in a bowl and whisk to medium/stiff peaks. Set aside.

TO ASSEMBLE: trim the slightly uneven top bits off the cakes to level them. Place the first cake layer on a cake board or serving plate, spoon on the malt cream and smooth out with a palette knife or the back of a spoon. Add your top cake layer - bottom side up for nice, neat edges to your cake. Next spread the chocolate buttercream over the sides and top of the cake as messily or neatly as you like. Decorate with Malteasers/ chopped up Malteaser bunnies (I know it feels horrible to mutilate the bunnies, but needs must, right?)

Slice and serve immediately OR refrigerate in a sealed container - this cake keeps ridiculously well although the fresh cream in the centre will spoil more quickly - maybe 3 days tops - but let’s face it, it probs won’t last that long anyway?

NOTES:

1. really make sure you mix your dries THOROUGHLY, it always astonishes me how much mixing it requires to make sure everything is well combined.

2. My coffee was at 65C when I added it to the dry ingredients - you want it to be hot - and actually, theory suggests that the hotter the better for ultimate rise-inducing effects - but, I don’t go for super hot - I don’t like the jeopardy of extreme heat coming close to raw eggs. Nevertheless, the heat DOES help with rise a bit and amplifies the chocolate-yness so I go for hot… but not too hot - think GOLDILOCKS.

3. The cakes WILL dome - it’s kinda inevitable with this style of cake. If you search the internet, you’ll find it’s due to the outside of the cake cooking quicker than the centre. I haven’t tested the theory as such but following VERY MANY chocolate cake tests, my observation is simply that if you have MORE batter in the tin (up to a point) you get less doming. However, in this instance, it’s a bit awkward, I estimate that it would call for scaling this recipe up to about 2.4 large eggs and we don’t need that faff/wastage in our lives PLUS I always find it preferable to trim the slightly unsightly/crusty tops of the cakes anyway, so we just have slightly more trim-age - and therefore more to snack on in this instance.

4. A little double cream whipping tip - ever ended up with overwhipped cream that is a bit clumpy, and curd like in appearance? - I hear ya. Firstly, sugar stabilises things, as does a drop of milk so including one or both of these ingredients can mitigate the chances of overwhippage. Second, if using an electric whisk or stand mixer - keep it super slow and watch it like a hawk, the turn from floppy peaks to over-whipped can happen quickly. Better still, do it by hand and stop whisking sooner rather than later - particularly if you intend on letting it sit for any length of time prior to using it. If you do end up with slightly over whipped cream, you CAN rescue it, (assuming you haven’t pushed it too far), by adding a drop more pouring cream and whisking again until the mixture returns to a soft wavy peak - it’s a bit more magic!

5. A revelation. On Thursday I made my 15,000th test of this cake (I kinda wish you had all witnessed the ridiculousness that led me to this final test). At this point, I was testing whether or not it made a difference adding the hot coffee AFTER adding and incorporating the other wet ingredients - as suggested in a few similar recipes.
   The theory according to food scientist Harold McGee is that adding Hot water (or coffee) to chocolate cake batter speeds up the reaction between the acidic and alkaline ingredients - which, when combined, produce the air bubbles that leaven the cake, making it lighter. The hot water also thickens the batter, which helps retain the air bubbles and making the cake lighter still. This all makes sense to me, but does it matter WHEN the hot water is added?
   Well, I put it to the test, I halved the full recipe above baking just one 8” cake - because frankly I couldn’t justify making ANOTHER 2-layer chocolate cake - and after some SERIOUS sampling, which actually caused me huge distress because I just wasn’t 100% sure, I *think* I can fairly confidently say that the difference is negligible. However, I find adding all of the wet ingredients in one go to be a more efficient approach, I also find I can incorporate the ingredients more smoothly, minimising the chance of overworking the batter = lighter cake. Mother and two friends have also backed up that THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE STEPH - they are also *slightly* exasperated at my endless questions regarding the quality of said cake - oops!
   My ultimate conclusion is that the recipe is pretty robust, add the wet to the dry, mix, and get it in the oven promptly for an optimal rise!
   Anyway, back to the revelation, I couldn’t bear the thought of wasting said layer of sponge so thought I’d top it with a layer of the choc ganache buttercream and feed the neighbourhood. I started making said buttercream and realised I had no cream - NIGHTMARE! Enter crème fraîche - I’ve never thought to use this before when making ganache but omg it’s a FABULOUS substitute if it’s all you have kicking around. To top 1 layer of chocolate cake, I halved the ganache-buttercream quantity, substituting the cream for crème fraîche. Instead of scalding the crème fraîche as you do with cream, I combined it with the chocolate in a bowl, and placed it over a pan of barely simmering water, gently heating and stirring from the centre until a smooth ganache formed. I then allowed it to cool and proceeded with the method as above. Result? Wildly good! Also, if you add the ganache to the butter/sugar/cocoa/malt mix when it’s a tad hot and you end up with a slightly loose mixture, allow it to cool until spreadable, then use an electric hand whisk and beat just until light and floofy - it makes it super moussy and fabulous!

   

6. I HIGHLY recommend you try a slice of this cake heated in the microwave for about 20-30s seconds, then doused in cream. The sponge becomes even lighter and fluffier, and the chocolate buttercream melts, resulting in the BEST chocolate sauce situation - it really is something else!

   There is one tiny caveat, which is that the centre Malt cream layer goes a bit weird if microwaved so I recommend scraping most of it out… & eating it of course, before you heat the cake.

More bits

• Magnolia - last week I shared my appreciation of the blossom - which I know is only going to ramp up over the next few weeks, but this week I’ve totally fallen in love with Magnolia - I haven’t captured this one it all its glory here but it’s hard not to marvel at its natural beauty, right?

  

• Peanut butter cookies - my friend David made some fabulous looking PB cookies in the week and I *need* to try them - I’m yet to try the recipe myself, but I would say they are definitely worth a go if you are a PB fan!

• Quiche - if you were stalking around Instagram midday on Monday, you will have seen I made a little Broccoli, cheddar Quiche - a golden oldie. I rarely make savoury bakes like this, but my friend mentioned quiche to me, and I couldn’t shake the thought of it. I opted for a wholemeal pastry case (made with heritage grains from Shipton Mill), flecked with parmesan and buttery rich, yet flaky and light (my favourite shortcrust pastry features egg yolk EVERY time), the filling was a mixture of crème fraîche and single cream, eggs, shallot, tender stem broccoli and lots of extra mature cheddar - an absolute WINNER! I’m keen to carry out another quick pastry test because I made WAY too much on Monday, but will share the recipe once I’ve nailed it and you can all enjoy a bit of this retro beauty!

• Upcycling jars - my friend and fellow foodie/chef extraordinaire, Xanthe (who incidentally has also been really open and honest on her social media about a similar sense of being totally overwhelmed with life, as well as experiencing an unshakable sense of imposter syndrome. I took huge comfort from reading about her challenges, recognising that everyone faces little battles in their lifetime and that I wasn’t entirely alone in feeling the way that I do right now), shared that she had used her empty Bold Bean Co jars as makeshift vases for daffodils! I absolute adore this idea and am now absolutely jumping on the bandwagon… I also think Manilife’s new glass jars will make for adorably cute little vases in the summer - moral of the story UP-CYCLE YOUR JARS KIDS!

• Finals week on Great British Menu - I’ve loved this series of GBM, I have been so inspired by all of the incredibly talented chefs! I was particularly gripped by the dessert course on Thursday, and then the final banquet on Friday. I was also delighted that my fave - Adam Handling - bagged champion of champions for his dessert ‘Food Fight’ - I *need* the recipe for his ‘mistake’ burnt butter cake which looked especially good!

OK - it’s now late and I need to STEP AWAY from the computer, so… I’m going to Love and leave you! I do hope you’re all doing ok, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the messages - I welcome them so much and even when I don’t get round to replying to you all - I’m so so sorry if I don’t ever - it means the absolute world - keep them coming and know how appreciated they are! Oh and if you make the cake, do send me a pic!

Take care, keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground and keep shining!

Loads of Love,

Steph x x x