I understand all too well the feeling of terror, uncertainty and fear brought about by things other people find exciting and an energising challenge.
My job fills me with panic, imposter syndrome, and guilt due to what i perceive as failing to do my job well enough.
I am glad when i survive each day, without meltdown. And i am exhaustedbt insomnia as my mind goes at 100mph with all the uncertainty of whether i will cope the next day.
I want to be carefree and confident, but it wont happen.
The best we can do at times when its acute is do our best, get through, and be glad of an 'average' and unremarkable day.
Your newsletter is great Stephi - honest, and offering a brave account of the human condition. Trust in yourself, and 'get through' as best you can for now - it will become part of your routine, and that will make it easier, although not easy. X
Your Meltdown is entirely normal … happens to my wife all the time. She’s really not good with change and doesn’t believe she deserves to be happy which is so strange for me to understand. We’ve been fortunate in the last few years and were able to afford a bigger and much nicer house … she hated it. It took months for her to stop saying ‘i don’t deserve this’ The problem with all of these things is she things it’s just happening to her and it’s not … it’s far far more common than people realise. The bit that we need help with is something to teach people like me how to reassure and support those that doubt themselves 🥰
Alternative title: “And still she persisted...!” My takeaway is that 1) you have a wonderful mum who really stands by you in your every challenge!, and 2) despite all your fears and your anxiety, you made it to work! You didn’t call in sick, you made it through the whole shift, and you went back the next day! And the next! Like others have said, let’s celebrate the win here-- you started a whole new thing and it’s going fine, and you have lovely coworkers, which is great. I think we all feel like if it’s the right job for us, the skies will part and we will be floating through it, but I think the reality is that even jobs we overall like have mundane and even very hard things that we don’t like about it. And that’s totally fine. It doesn’t have to be your life calling, it’s a great first step and will give you skills that will help with whatever comes in the future!
Breathe Stephi, one day at a time. It feels at times like your writing about our days, and feelings as we go through these things ourselves. Your good at acknowledging your feeling, emotions about daily life. Thats good, your like that long lost friend we love hearing from, our hearts go out to you. Your not alone in this world we're behind you all the way. We're listening with open minds and open hearts. Love you...
I had so hoped your new job would be exciting and fun and well looks like it is not …. YET! I firmly believe one of the hardest things in the whole world even for someone without anxiety is to get a new job. Because we NEED jobs generally and landing one is often a chore, we come to expect that the going in and learning the ropes, meeting all of the new people and then being confident and competent will just happen without a flitter of nervousness???!!! It seems quite unlikely and those who are not admitting to it are probably just putting up a front or possibly quite a rare breed.
Regardless congrats for making it through — making a really fun life ritual around work can make it more palatable (at least I have employed this)— such as on Mondays planning a manicure or pedicure or massage or even just saving a show for end of day that I wanted to watch really bad like “movie night” makes work nights so special and like a reward. ☺️ Thanks for sharing with us! We love you!
Do I understand. That pit in my stomach woke up reading your story but keep writing! It is a connection that is shared by more of us than you think. I’ve come to realize that I overcompensate as well by being over enthusiastic/and much too smiley 😵💫 as a defence mechanism. Yes people who appear always up in new uncomfortable situations are actually sometimes wearing a mask. It’s exhausting.
Knowing yourself and being comfortable with that knowledge is one small step.
Thank you for your honesty, Steph. I appreciate it and it is brave. Reading your newsletter every Sunday is part of my weekly routine and I always look forward to it and find it grounding. I can relate to a lot of what you said as I am overwhelmed daily in my new environment. I hope you start feeling more comfortable in your new role. They are lucky to have you as are we. I hope next week is more manageable and best of luck at the dentist! Sending love and hugs. xx
Steph, thank you so much for posting this. My weekend getaway with my husband that was supposed to be relaxing and fun, has turned into me winding up on the bathroom floor in full panic mode. I also have a very hard time shutting my brain off and dealing with the what if’s in life. I’m up at 2 AM trying to get back to a sense of calm, and I’m so glad your email was in my inbox. It has helped and made me feel less alone. I hope you have a better week coming up, but as you said, whatever comes, you will get through it! ❤️
really enjoying your newsletters, tried your ratatouille recipe from a couple of weeks ago and it was great.looking forward to trying some more. chin up and keep going with the new job, I identify with you re the kind of stress reaction where all you can think of is everything you don't know! but the main thing to do is just keep showing up (sometimes that is as much as you can do in that situation and that alone is a real achievement when you're feeling like that) xx
I'm autistic and I find navigating new situations really difficult. Thanks for showing up here and sharing your experience. Makes me feel a bit less alone. ❤️
Thank you for being so open and honest. I have very similar melt downs leading up to any event that causes a disruption in my routine too. Even something as lovely as coffee with a good friend causes so much distress for me, glad to know I am not alone in feeling the way I do. Thank you for providing comfort here :)
You are definitely not alone with your inner turmoil. I know we could all reassure you things will be OK, however the inner voice will convince you otherwise. In my experience the feeling of dread will decide over time as your brain becomes accustomed to the new normal.
Please talk/shout at us online with your challenges. I hope the responses you receive will at least let you know you are not alone and that you have many understanding online friends.
Sending hugs to you. Prayed for you all week, that you will be carried through to the end (and here you are!), and maybe the blue sky and sunshine were a little reminder that you are very precious, you are not alone. That dread, fear and just wanting feel safe and unbothered and taken care of all the time - a shared enemy?! Or maybe it's just a part of us that's similar. Your account of unease, screaming and crying the day of, and the endless days of mediocrity and blandness kind of sounds like my entire life. And your wonderful Mum, your two new friends at the school, the sunshine and blue sky remind me of how fortunate I am as well. My dad has been there for me too when I cried like a child and my friends at work have showered me with so much kindness I am forever indebted. I've learned after getting through the most dreaded of things, choosing not to remain in my comfort bubble despite my best rational judgment, I ended up in a much better place than I ever could've imagined. You chose the harder path, you went for it, you did it! Take that, Blue Mondays!
I don't know how many times I've flossed my damn fillings out, particularly on days when I am so busy and stressed it's the last thing I need. We should start a club, Dentist's Barrier to Retirement Club. I think it all started years ago when I chomped down on my spoon while eating cereal, breaking my front tooth in half, making a big ugly hole in the middle of my face. That was the first in a long succession of emergency dental interventions, and my teeth were never the same after that. Thank God for my dentist, as I actually like visiting her now. She has always been there for me. I hope you have a good visit on Monday.
I love Bare Minerals makeup! I'm a minimalist too. I totally get it, isn't it so surprising how much better you feel to be wearing it versus not? My essential go-to is blush since I feel pale without it. And for me, earrings are a weird must - I don't wear any other jewelry.
I LOVE mushrooms. Raw, cooked, whatever. Bring it on. And omgoodness Muesli - the BEST. Also addicted to granola, and bran flakes with the raisins - eat the raisins first, then gnaw on the bran while working at my desk. So essential and comforting.
Speaking of comforting, thank you for the gorgeous Oat, Honey & Buttermilk loaf recipe, the baked beans, and packed lunch ideas. Silver lining to my boring days, and endlessly comforting as I move toward my dreaded 4-day trip to Nashville for a training/conference in the middle of October. It pains me to think of it. But your newsletter, recipes, and all your thoughts here are a comforting remedy. Better than I could've imagined.
Any change to my daily routine does the same thing to me - panic attack, fear, worry, etc. It's like the body is telling your mind - "What are we doing?" But you made it, and that's the important thing!
Going to try making some bread myself today. Gotta love that smell.
I understand all too well the feeling of terror, uncertainty and fear brought about by things other people find exciting and an energising challenge.
My job fills me with panic, imposter syndrome, and guilt due to what i perceive as failing to do my job well enough.
I am glad when i survive each day, without meltdown. And i am exhaustedbt insomnia as my mind goes at 100mph with all the uncertainty of whether i will cope the next day.
I want to be carefree and confident, but it wont happen.
The best we can do at times when its acute is do our best, get through, and be glad of an 'average' and unremarkable day.
Your newsletter is great Stephi - honest, and offering a brave account of the human condition. Trust in yourself, and 'get through' as best you can for now - it will become part of your routine, and that will make it easier, although not easy. X
Your Meltdown is entirely normal … happens to my wife all the time. She’s really not good with change and doesn’t believe she deserves to be happy which is so strange for me to understand. We’ve been fortunate in the last few years and were able to afford a bigger and much nicer house … she hated it. It took months for her to stop saying ‘i don’t deserve this’ The problem with all of these things is she things it’s just happening to her and it’s not … it’s far far more common than people realise. The bit that we need help with is something to teach people like me how to reassure and support those that doubt themselves 🥰
Alternative title: “And still she persisted...!” My takeaway is that 1) you have a wonderful mum who really stands by you in your every challenge!, and 2) despite all your fears and your anxiety, you made it to work! You didn’t call in sick, you made it through the whole shift, and you went back the next day! And the next! Like others have said, let’s celebrate the win here-- you started a whole new thing and it’s going fine, and you have lovely coworkers, which is great. I think we all feel like if it’s the right job for us, the skies will part and we will be floating through it, but I think the reality is that even jobs we overall like have mundane and even very hard things that we don’t like about it. And that’s totally fine. It doesn’t have to be your life calling, it’s a great first step and will give you skills that will help with whatever comes in the future!
Breathe Stephi, one day at a time. It feels at times like your writing about our days, and feelings as we go through these things ourselves. Your good at acknowledging your feeling, emotions about daily life. Thats good, your like that long lost friend we love hearing from, our hearts go out to you. Your not alone in this world we're behind you all the way. We're listening with open minds and open hearts. Love you...
Hi Steph!
I had so hoped your new job would be exciting and fun and well looks like it is not …. YET! I firmly believe one of the hardest things in the whole world even for someone without anxiety is to get a new job. Because we NEED jobs generally and landing one is often a chore, we come to expect that the going in and learning the ropes, meeting all of the new people and then being confident and competent will just happen without a flitter of nervousness???!!! It seems quite unlikely and those who are not admitting to it are probably just putting up a front or possibly quite a rare breed.
Regardless congrats for making it through — making a really fun life ritual around work can make it more palatable (at least I have employed this)— such as on Mondays planning a manicure or pedicure or massage or even just saving a show for end of day that I wanted to watch really bad like “movie night” makes work nights so special and like a reward. ☺️ Thanks for sharing with us! We love you!
Oh Steph
Do I understand. That pit in my stomach woke up reading your story but keep writing! It is a connection that is shared by more of us than you think. I’ve come to realize that I overcompensate as well by being over enthusiastic/and much too smiley 😵💫 as a defence mechanism. Yes people who appear always up in new uncomfortable situations are actually sometimes wearing a mask. It’s exhausting.
Knowing yourself and being comfortable with that knowledge is one small step.
One day at a time ❤️
Cheers from Canada
Beth
Thank you for your honesty, Steph. I appreciate it and it is brave. Reading your newsletter every Sunday is part of my weekly routine and I always look forward to it and find it grounding. I can relate to a lot of what you said as I am overwhelmed daily in my new environment. I hope you start feeling more comfortable in your new role. They are lucky to have you as are we. I hope next week is more manageable and best of luck at the dentist! Sending love and hugs. xx
Steph, thank you so much for posting this. My weekend getaway with my husband that was supposed to be relaxing and fun, has turned into me winding up on the bathroom floor in full panic mode. I also have a very hard time shutting my brain off and dealing with the what if’s in life. I’m up at 2 AM trying to get back to a sense of calm, and I’m so glad your email was in my inbox. It has helped and made me feel less alone. I hope you have a better week coming up, but as you said, whatever comes, you will get through it! ❤️
really enjoying your newsletters, tried your ratatouille recipe from a couple of weeks ago and it was great.looking forward to trying some more. chin up and keep going with the new job, I identify with you re the kind of stress reaction where all you can think of is everything you don't know! but the main thing to do is just keep showing up (sometimes that is as much as you can do in that situation and that alone is a real achievement when you're feeling like that) xx
I'm autistic and I find navigating new situations really difficult. Thanks for showing up here and sharing your experience. Makes me feel a bit less alone. ❤️
Thank you for being so open and honest. I have very similar melt downs leading up to any event that causes a disruption in my routine too. Even something as lovely as coffee with a good friend causes so much distress for me, glad to know I am not alone in feeling the way I do. Thank you for providing comfort here :)
This was so relatable! Love that you didn’t sugarcoat it.
You are definitely not alone with your inner turmoil. I know we could all reassure you things will be OK, however the inner voice will convince you otherwise. In my experience the feeling of dread will decide over time as your brain becomes accustomed to the new normal.
Please talk/shout at us online with your challenges. I hope the responses you receive will at least let you know you are not alone and that you have many understanding online friends.
Dearest Steph,
Sending hugs to you. Prayed for you all week, that you will be carried through to the end (and here you are!), and maybe the blue sky and sunshine were a little reminder that you are very precious, you are not alone. That dread, fear and just wanting feel safe and unbothered and taken care of all the time - a shared enemy?! Or maybe it's just a part of us that's similar. Your account of unease, screaming and crying the day of, and the endless days of mediocrity and blandness kind of sounds like my entire life. And your wonderful Mum, your two new friends at the school, the sunshine and blue sky remind me of how fortunate I am as well. My dad has been there for me too when I cried like a child and my friends at work have showered me with so much kindness I am forever indebted. I've learned after getting through the most dreaded of things, choosing not to remain in my comfort bubble despite my best rational judgment, I ended up in a much better place than I ever could've imagined. You chose the harder path, you went for it, you did it! Take that, Blue Mondays!
I don't know how many times I've flossed my damn fillings out, particularly on days when I am so busy and stressed it's the last thing I need. We should start a club, Dentist's Barrier to Retirement Club. I think it all started years ago when I chomped down on my spoon while eating cereal, breaking my front tooth in half, making a big ugly hole in the middle of my face. That was the first in a long succession of emergency dental interventions, and my teeth were never the same after that. Thank God for my dentist, as I actually like visiting her now. She has always been there for me. I hope you have a good visit on Monday.
I love Bare Minerals makeup! I'm a minimalist too. I totally get it, isn't it so surprising how much better you feel to be wearing it versus not? My essential go-to is blush since I feel pale without it. And for me, earrings are a weird must - I don't wear any other jewelry.
I LOVE mushrooms. Raw, cooked, whatever. Bring it on. And omgoodness Muesli - the BEST. Also addicted to granola, and bran flakes with the raisins - eat the raisins first, then gnaw on the bran while working at my desk. So essential and comforting.
Speaking of comforting, thank you for the gorgeous Oat, Honey & Buttermilk loaf recipe, the baked beans, and packed lunch ideas. Silver lining to my boring days, and endlessly comforting as I move toward my dreaded 4-day trip to Nashville for a training/conference in the middle of October. It pains me to think of it. But your newsletter, recipes, and all your thoughts here are a comforting remedy. Better than I could've imagined.
PS - hope your knee is getting better...
I am glad that you could muddle through and start your new job. Sorry to hear about your filling but perhaps that will be fixed on Monday.
Any change to my daily routine does the same thing to me - panic attack, fear, worry, etc. It's like the body is telling your mind - "What are we doing?" But you made it, and that's the important thing!
Going to try making some bread myself today. Gotta love that smell.