#21 Meltdown

This week I started my new job. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to secure this role, it’s in a wonderful school, it’s a safe environment and I’m amongst a lovely bunch of people.

However, the reality is this, I spent the two weeks leading up to it DREADING the prospect. With each day I felt an increased sense of unease: another reason to worry, and an anticipation of all the things that could go wrong, things I’d ‘hate’ about the role, the social anxiety, the inability to perform simple tasks (this happens, I get very overwhelmed by a lot of instructions all at once and go into a sort of shut down), the boredom, the upset to my routine, the lack of baking time, the other things in my diary that would need to be rearranged or to be accounted for, the unknown.

My first day was Wednesday - I had a FULL blown meltdown before leaving the house; I screamed (literally), I cried, I just didn’t want to do it. People had said I would enjoy it, how did they know? I knew it was such a wonderful opportunity but somehow that didn’t make it any more appealing- if anything I just felt more guilt. Despite the beautiful blue sky and glorious sunshine that day, I felt like I was drowning in fear and uncertainty. I was also REALLY cranky - no one could do or say anything to make it feel better. I knew no one was making me do it but I also knew that quitting before I even started wasn’t an option as far I was concerned. However, the furnace of emotion that was erupting from deep within me was wild.

I managed to calm down a touch, smear a bit of make up into my blotchy face, somehow chugged down my porridge (through snorts and sobs), left the house in a fog of puddling tears, and walked the 1.39 miles into school (I rang mum twice - more tears - as waves of panic washed over me).

I won’t go into the details of the day too much, it past, I survived, I’m here to tell the tale… (although I did confront the head of the school with the line ‘who are you?’ In my first encounter which possibly wasn’t my best opening line).

I followed up day one with two more days, I found them unremarkable. I could pretend it was great and that there was nothing to worry about, but I didn’t feel that, surviving was (as dramatic as it sounds) the order of the day.

I’m sure that, with time, I will feel a bit more comfortable, but the reality in my case is that average will probably be as good as it gets for quite a while, if not indefinitely.

I realise I probably sound so incredibly negative and possibly ungrateful- I don’t mean to - but I want to paint my honest picture of life. You know, we see all the fun, the positivity, the happiness, online, in the media and in dramas on TV, and maybe I’m the oddball for finding life all a bit mediocre, but I suspect that I’m not entirely alone - I think I find things particularly difficult because I am especially sensitive to situations outside my comfort bubble - and that many of us feel a similar sense of blandness in much of our everyday lives.

I just want to add a quick note here to mention the fact that the two people I work directly with have been nothing but delightful, and my experience this week is no reflection on them or the space I am working in - this is 100% me… I’m not proud of it, nor am I asking for sympathy (I really mean that) but it’s a reality that I feel, and I think we are afraid to admit sometimes, so here I am with more admissions and more moaning - sorrrryyyy! I do have a few positives I promise… but first… ok so just to round of my Wednesday evening in the most lovely fashion, I was merrily flossing my teeth in the evening - floss your teeth for healthy gums kid - and somehow managed to yank out a filling at the same time, so decided that 27th September wasn’t for me and that I was absolutely well and truly done with that day… I’m off to the dentist on Monday to be refilled - SUCH FUN (not)!

Anyway… the positives come in the form of a cracking loaf of bread - I’m still hitting the weekly Bake Off brief ya see? - baked beans (no, not Heinz but a fabulous alternative), and a few extras that I acknowledged and need to mention… strap yourself in for some classy Autumn comfort…

Oat, Honey & Buttermilk Loaf

Ingredients

300g White bread flour
60g Wholemeal bread flour
90g rolled oats
100g Buttermilk
120ml whole milk
70ml water (from recently boiled kettle)
20g Unsalted butter
40g runny honey
7g Instant active dried yeast
9g salt

Method

Combine the flours and oats in a large bowl/the bowl of a stand mixer. Add the salt to one side of the bowl and the yeast to the other. Meanwhile combine the butter milk, milk and water in a large jug. Add the honey and butter and stir to combine - the butter will melt a bit, but some may remain unmelted, this is fine. Pour the liquid ingredients over the dry ingredients and bring together into a shaggy dough. Leave to autolyse for 20 minutes.

Once autolysed, knead (by hand or in the mixer) for around 10 minutes (medium speed in a mixer). Leave to rest for 10 minutes, then knead again for a further 5 minutes. Give the dough another 5 minute rest and check for gluten development (it should be smooth and quite elastic), it’s a little harder to judge as the dough is quite stiff but it should be pretty stretchy & springy! Once kneaded, pop into a lightly oiled large bowl, cover and leave in a warm environment to prove for around 1.5-2 hours.

Grease a 3lb loaf tin with butter and line with a strip of parchment. Once the dough has risen, knock it back, then flatten it slightly into a rectangle - the approximate length of your loaf tin - and roll up tightly like a scroll, pinch it together at the ‘seam’ and pop it in the loaf tin (seam side down). Cover again and leave to prove for around an hour (again in a warm place) or until doubled in size.

Once almost fully proved, preheat the oven to 220C/200C fan. Place a roasting tin in the bottom of the oven. Once your dough is ready, transfer to the oven and simultaneously add around a cup of boiling water to the roasting tray at the bottom, immediately close the oven door and bake for 25 minutes. Drop the temperature to 200C/180C fan and bake for a further 10-15 minutes. (For the remaining 10 minutes, carefully remove the loaf from the tin and bake directly on the oven shelf).

‘Baked’ Beans

Serves 4-6

Ingredients.

450g drained white beans (I used Bold Bean co. - you could use haricot or butterbeans here)
2 tsp olive oil
1 large celery stick finely chopped
1 shallot finely chopped
1 small carrot finely chopped
1 garlic clove crushed
1 tin crushed tomatoes
100ml hot water
1/4 tsp smoked paprika
1/4 tsp garam masala
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 tsp runny honey
~ 1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce optional
1/4 tsp oregano
Salt and pepper to taste.
Handful of fresh parsley roughly chopped

Method

Add the olive oil to a large saucepan and place over a medium heat. Add the shallot, celery and carrot and cook for 10-15 minutes or until softened. Add the garlic clove and cook for a further minute. Next add the spices followed by the honey and balsamic vinegar. Cook for a couple of minutes to allow the honey/balsam to caramelise a bit. Next add the tomatoes, water, Worcestershire sauce, oregano and salt and pepper, stir to evenly combine. Cover and cook for around 20-25 minutes until slightly reduced and a bit darker in colour. Next turn off the heat and blend with an immersion blender or food mixer - return to the pan if you use a mixer. Place back over a medium low heat, add the drained beans and stir to coat. Simmer for a further 15 minutes, add a handful of roughly chopped parsley when you come to serve.

EXTRAS:

• BBC series “Am I being unreasonable’. I’m not very good at sitting and watching the TV, however, on Sunday evening when feeling particularly grey (Autumn blues alert), Mum and I sat down to see what the hype was about with this new well-reviewed TV show starring Daisy May Cooper… we watched 6 episodes back to back. My verdict… compelling - like TRULY addictive viewing - I can’t even work out if I enjoyed it but the plot, the twists, the brilliant acting will have you utterly gripped - give it a go if you want a reason to put down your phone for a couple of hours and get lost in a somewhat dark, but amusing drama.

• Make-up in the shade ‘slightly orange’. I like having a tan ok, it just makes me feel better about myself, I feel healthy you know? I’m not a big make-up wearer and I certainly am not well versed on how to apply it - contouring/highlighting etc - they’re all another language to me; I adopt the minimal, slap and dash approach. Anyway the summer glow is fading FAST - I feel a bit tired and pale so I decided it was time to upgrade from my usual ‘Medium tan’ shade of face powder from Bare Minerals, to ‘Neutral tan’ (the name doesn’t exactly imply it’s much darker but it is and I feel instantly more alive given the extra glow. My point, slightly orange just makes me feel a tad better!

• Cereal straight out of the packet… ok so call me a bird but I like the hardcore cereal - my current one of choice is a marvellous Mornflake muesli. I’m very guilty of picking the fruit and nut out first, then grazing on the oat, flaky seediness… Bridget Jones eat your heart out (although I’m not quite on to Branston pickle out of the jar yet (that’s vile… Mango chutney on the other hand, yes please!)

• Mushrooms - OK so fun fact about me, I like mushrooms, ALL mushrooms. Raw, roasted, grilled, fried, any which way, and currently I’m utterly addicted… I know they’re a bit of a marmite topic so this may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but if you’re a mushroom fan, I recommend rustling some up - melt some blue cheese on top for a level up… maybe with the baked beans… on the oat-y loaf! YAAAS!

• Hot water bottles, PJ’s, blankets (yes I’m 90) and endless cups of tea… Autumn/Winter protocol is in full flow - I’m not happy about it, but here we are!

• Packed lunches - we’ve discussed my obsession with cold hot food, well I’m back on the topic. I just LOVE a hearty salad style lunch, loaded with goodness. I bulk prep mine (I do a couple of days at a time) and fridge it straight away… it matures a bit with time, then you consider yourself a GENIUS when you come to gobble it up in the following few days. This week I had tuna and white bean salad with quinoa, raw chopped veggies, capers and a lemon-y vinaigrette, and an egg, chickpea and freekeh number with roasted veg, more lemon vinaigrette and a dollop of herby yoghurt. YUM!

  

Ok so this week all feels a bit woeful and pitiful (again)… I’m sorryyyy, I’m hoping for some brighter days on the horizon… and do tell me to shut UPPP if it’s all too much?? As you all know now (or at least I hope you do), I don’t really have answers when it comes to most of the things I discuss, and I certainly don’t need or want sympathy… but I LOVE keeping in touch with you all - you’re just the most delightful bunch of humans - and I do hope some of what I share provides even a morsel of comfort and possibly some perspective to others of you out there struggling.

Right, I’m very tired and a bit rosy cheeked… so I’m off, but love love and more love to you all… whatever you are going through right now hang in there - as the saying goes,

“Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end.”

Love Steph xxx