#18 Thank You

Queen Elizabeth II

In light of this weeks terribly sad news, I have really agonised over whether to send out this newsletter; I guess by sending it out, I hope that I can provide a morsel of comfort, although I sense that for many of us, this grief may linger for much longer than we could ever have imagined. Like so many I have felt a genuine, personal sense of loss; Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II has represented a stable foundation on which I base my life, she has been the ‘grandmother’ of my family, her attitude, manner and zest for life have always been something I have admired greatly, she made us feel safe when times were hard, she joined us in celebrations, she had an infectious smile and a wicked sense of humour. The fact that the incredible bright light that she radiated has gone out is painful for people across the world to bear. My thoughts are with the Royal family at this time. In the words of Phillip Larkin:

“In times when nothing stood, but worsened or grew strange, there was one constant good, she did not change”

HRH Queen Elizabeth II ~ 1926 - 2022

CRUMBS OF COMFORT

Please note, much of the newsletter below was written in advance of 8.9.22.

Despite what I said last week about potentially need to lessen the regularity and volume on here, I obviously couldn’t resist a quick hello… SO… HELLO FRIENDS! I just can’t bear to not send out a little (probs not so little by the time I am done) note this Sunday. Firstly, I want to say another Thank you - like THE BIGGEST thank you - I probably sound like such a broken record when I say it and I’m not sure the sincerity comes across entirely via this medium but I genuinely mean it, the messages of support, reassurance, empathy and loads of blooming love, that I have received is just beyond words - you’re a truly incredible bunch.

So we are wk 18 (ish - I know I missed one somewhere in the middle)… How are we all? Anyone else feeling the Autumn-ness REALLY rolling in? And an accompanying unfathomable fatigue? Every night when I sit on the sofa at approximately 8pm (in my tartan PJ’s -I’m so cool!), I’m like - is now an appropriate bedtime? My face aches and my eyes are absolutely ready to shut up shop! I think I am possibly a hedgehog and need to hibernate during the winter months… consider this my preparation stage!

I’m also really feeling a ‘back to school vibe’… Ironically this is pretty relevant to me at the moment (more on that in a moment), but I get to September each year and am like, right, time to get my life in order, start over a bit, acquire a new diary, pencil case and some Crayola colouring crayons. Is that just me?

Last year I was pre-occupied with writing the book which was a great focus, this year, however, it’s been a real “whatamigoingtodonext?” panic. As I have mentioned at length in previous newsletters, I have been completely lost and very frantic in regard to my future. I could elaborate a whole lot more on this in terms of my journey from school through my degree, other studies in between, Bake Off, my inability to ‘monetise’ social media because I worry about what people would think of me, and, of course, the COVID effect, but that would be a whole other ramble that you probably don’t want to hear. The point is though, I’ve been unable to financially support myself now for, about 5 years - the reality is that writing 2 books, as incredible as it is, hasn’t been a big money spinner - and irrespective of my health challenges, I have to get out and earn some pennies. So, in the last week, I cobbled together my CV, (and a personal statement - gosh, I’m out of practice with one of them), don my BIG GIRL pants and try to embrace employment in some capacity. I’m not sure whether this all sounds incredibly privileged of me or pitiful, I know everyone has to work and I’ve been fortunate to live with my Mum and really be looked after, I also probably don’t need to justify myself, but, to be clear, I have faced some real challenges over the last few years that have lead me to this point, I am not lazy, nor do I feel I shouldn’t have to work, I just have been physically incapable, and that’s why I am where I am.

ANYWAY, the exciting… and petrifying (because I’m always petrified remember?) news, is that I’m due to start a new part time job back at my old school from next week! I’m incredibly lucky to have been given the opportunity to work in the art department as an ‘art technician’. I have no idea whether this will be my future, and I have had a few sleepless nights worrying about what exactly is going to be involved - you know the, “can I do it?” worries - but I am hopeful that this will provide a bit of stability for me, at least in the short term, I may also make some new friends - bonus, and we’ll see where else we go from there.

This opportunity I have been serendipitously gifted is an example of life playing out in its own sweet way. I did not seek out this job, I wouldn’t have envisioned myself going back to school, and I would never have believed there would be a role for me there, but I’ve been gifted it and whether it turns out to be short or long term, it is an example of the beauty of life, we never quite know what is around the corner, “now is all we have” - we must remain hopeful about the future and comforted by the fact that what is supposed to happen will happen; never lose hope. I’m not being naive, this role is unlikely to miraculously resolve many of the issues I currently face, that will take my effort too, but it’s a chance to dip my toe in that great ocean of uncertainty, whilst continuing to bake, cook, write (on here), learn, heal, and establish where else my path may lead. Side note, I discussed this above premise AT LENGTH with Krzysztof -owner of my local fruit and veg shop ‘Exsqueeze me’ in Handbridge, Chester. Chatting to people and hearing their experiences, is another of life’s beauties I find - in fact, it’s better than any kind of therapy - thank you Krzysztof for the best chat on Wednesday!

My final little nugget-y moment of joy this week was a trip to a lovely hotel in Chester, The Grosvenor hotel - I was invited, with Mum, by the Head Chef, Elliot, for afternoon tea. What a TREAT that was - I’ll be honest, afternoon tea isn’t my favourite thing, but this was good… and guys, I need to upgrade my scones - those served were lighter than air, somewhere between bread and cake - they defied scone science and I NEED the recipe!!!

Right, that’s me done for the update chat… I hope the little recipes below can provide a morsel of baking comfort over the next week.

My Favourite Shortbread Recipe

Shortbread is synonymous with comfort I think. I definitely touched on it in a newsletter a few weeks back, and here I am repeating myself, but this time, I’m giving it a hero spot and thus the love it deserves. Of all the biscuits out there, short bread has to be a real comforter, its buttery crumbly sweetness delivers on every level, it’s incredibly simple in its composition (although the internet may make you believe otherwise) and a guaranteed crowd pleaser. Despite the supposed simplicity of shortbread, it has always caused me a bit of a headache. I’ve overthought it at times, trusted ‘alternative’ recipes and struggled to find my own kind of perfect. Nevertheless, I think this is the sweet spot. It’s predominantly based on a recipe by Queen of baking, Mary Berry - she uses Semolina in her shortbread which I think gives the perfect balance of crunch, crumble and shortness, I use proportionally slightly less than MB, as I think it yields the perfect balance. In this weeks version, I chucked in a little lemon zest, on Bake Off I used coffee powder - such a winner if you sandwich it with caramel and cover it in chocolate - you can also go simple with just vanilla, or add chocolate chips, almond - this baby is an excellent canvas for all manner of shortbread goodness. And bookmark it for Christmas gifts - such a simple solution to Xmas presents.

Makes approx. 12

Ingredients

50g Caster Sugar
100g Unsalted Butter softened
110g Plain Flour
40g Fine Semolina
Pinch of salt
Zest of 1/2 large lemon
Drop of vanilla bean paste - I squirted a little dot out of my tube of vanilla bean paste.

Method

Combine the flour, semolina and salt in a bowl - sift it if you have lumpy flour. Meanwhile, cream together the butter and sugar with the lemon zest and vanilla, for around 2 mins - it doesn’t need to be super fluffy and aerated as in a cake batter but ‘light’.

Fold through the dry ingredients - if you are using a stand mixer, mix on the lowest speed - until it starts to clump together in the bowl. At this point, stop the mixer and get your hand in, bring together the mixture into a dough - try not to over handle it - then place it in a piece of clingfilm, using the clingfilm to tease it into an approximate thick rectangle - about 3-4 cm thick - and tightly wrap it up. If I have a bit of a wonky rectangle, I use my rolling pin and just lightly roll over the clingfilm to neaten it up a bit. Refrigerate the dough for a minimum of 2 hours, overnight is generally how I play it.

When you come to bake, remove the dough from the fridge about 20 minutes before you wish to use it so that it’s just pliable enough to roll, it will still be quite firm and as you roll it will get softer. Preheat the oven to 180C/160C fan and line a baking sheet with parchment. Roll out the dough to around 1 cm thick. Cut out rounds using a 5-6cm round or fluted cutter. Place apart on the baking tray and pop in the freezer for 10 minutes just to firm up a touch again. Re-roll remaining dough once, twice at a push. Once chilled, remove from the freezer and bake for 15-18 minutes until golden at the edges and baked through. Gently transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.

Chocolate Biscuit Cake (Tiffin)

Reportedly, The Queens favourite ‘cake’ was chocolate biscuit cake, that is, a sort of tiffin/rocky road situation. I’m sure we can all agree then, that she had impeccable taste, this winning sweet treat hits every spot; chocolate overload, rich and decadent, simple to prepare, requires no oven (bonus) and makes excellent use of leftovers. I am yet to try Royal chef, Darren McGrady’s recipe, (I will make this happen and report back when I do) but here is my version. This chocolate biscuit cake is the thing I make when things feel really tough, there’s something incredibly cathartic about the whole process, weigh, chop, crush, melt, *lick*, spread, fridge, portion, EAT. You can’t get this wrong, you can eat as much as you like as you prepare it, it lasts ages, everyone loves it, and it’s wonderful to graze on through the week. If you’re in need of a bit of comfort and something to remember HM The Queen, then maybe have a go at this, you won’t be disappointed!

Ingredients

Base

165g Butter
50g Caster Sugar
65g Golden Syrup
25g Cocoa powder
245g Biscuits - I use Digestive or Lotus/Biscoff biscuits
55g mixed roasted nuts – roughly chopped
55g dried fruit e.g. sultanas/raisins/cherries/cranberries
10-15 miniature selection box chocolates (optional)
Pinch of salt

Topping

140g Milk chocolate
110g Dark chocolate

Method

Grease and line an 8-inch square cake tin with baking parchment.

Melt the butter, caster sugar, golden syrup, cocoa powder in a medium saucepan placed over a low heat. Stir periodically. Once melted set aside while you prepare the remaining ingredients.

Crush the biscuits and place in a large bowl with a pinch of salt. Measure out the nuts and fruit, and add to the biscuits.

Pour the liquid mixture over the dry ingredients and stir well to evenly coat. Next chop up the (optional) miniature chocolates into small chunks. Add to the bowl with the remaining ingredients and stir to distribute – don’t over mix at this point as the residual heat from the liquid mixture will start to melt the chocolates. Tip into the prepared tin and press down firmly with the back of a spatula/spoon. Pop into the fridge while you prepare the chocolate topping.

Measure out the milk and dark chocolate into a medium sized bowl and place over a pan of gently simmering water. Gently heat the chocolate mixture until fully melted, stirring occasionally. Once melted, remove the base from the fridge and evenly drizzle the liquid chocolate over the top, pick up the tin and gently rock from side to side encouraging the chocolate to evenly coat the base and create a smooth layer, alternatively you can use a stepped palette knife to level. Return to fridge for a couple of hours to set. When you come to cut the tiffin, run a sharp knife under warm water, carefully wipe dry, before cutting into 16 even squares.

FINAL NOTE

In many respects, an event as monumental as the passing of our wonderful Queen, can make us all stop and question our worries and priorities in life. However, if we are not in a great place with our mental health, this so often just makes us feel worse - why do we have the right to feel the way we do when there is far greater tragedy in the world? We in turn direct even more negativity towards ourselves for being the way we are. As hard as it is, be kind to yourself at this time, you are worthy and wonderful, you are loved and your presence on this beautiful planet casts ripples far wider than you would ever realise. Keep shining.

Once again, I can’t promise what next week will bring in terms of content, but bear with me, look after yourselves, Love to you all. xxx