Comparison
Is there such a thing as post-ciabatta blues? Like post-holiday blues but a bread-y version. Because I think I may have it!!
Ok, so the lack of ciabatta in my life probably isn’t the whole problem, however, I’m once again embarrassed to admit that I’ve felt really horrible again this week. I’m always so anxious about repeating myself when I feel crap, but here we go again.
I seem to have spent a lot of time in a bleak social comparison hole this week – I’ve been looking at everyone else’s lives, their best bits, and focussing heavily on my flaws. I’ve been obsessing over all the things that I’m not, and think I should be, I’ve been questioning my worth and purpose and I’ve been preoccupied with how I feel.
I know this is such a self-absorbed mindset and it’s not healthy. I know it stems from a belief that I’m not good enough, and I know I need to shift my focus to all the good things in my life… but sometimes that feels way harder than it should be.
What would be excellent right now is if I had an inspiring solution for you of how I ‘stopped the negative comparing and boosted my self-love and self-acceptance’. But I don’t.
I’ve read articles that tell me I need to gain awareness of my negative thoughts and as soon as they pass into my head, I should release them – I have no idea what this means, I have no release button, do other people have a release button? And the self-help books tell me I need to change my self-hating narrative and reframe my story… I need to repeat the mantra:
“I am on the right track and on my own, unique path to building a life and career I love and am proud of. I am NOT behind. I’m exactly where I need to be, learning and growing all the time.”
… the issue I have with this is that I don’t feel I have a path, I certainly don’t think I have a career, how do I know if I’m where I need to be? I don’t think I have a dream, I don’t know if where I am is where I need to be or want to be - what do I want?, I’m not sure if what I’m learning is correct because I just learn from myself, and growing – hmm, what does growing mean – are we talking physically growing because I think I gave that up when I was about 15, and how do you chart growth metaphorically?
And so, I actually find this sort of guidance (and that of most psychology professionals or information written in self-help books) can make me feel even worse… I either don’t understand the psychological advice or feel like a failure for not being able to overcome my adversities like ‘all the other people’ who have managed to, so gracefully.
Whilst I don’t feel I have a solution for how to escape this murky water I’m floating around in now, I’m absolutely NOT prepared to give up trying, I have so much more bread to make and eat, cakes to marvel at, sun to sit in, rain to trudge through, trees to admire, birds to listen to, and world to see.
So, if you’re finding life-ing hard work and have done for as long as you can remember, if you don’t understand the advice for how to turn your frown upside down, and if you feel like you’re way behind in life, failing at every turn and without a vision for the future, I’m with you. I know it feels gross and out of control and scary, but stick with me in marvelling at the tiny, wonderful things in life, and have faith that things are going to improve... one day.
Further updates from the week
Was absolutely devastated that I missed the Northern Lights last Friday… stayed up most of the night Saturday in the hope that they’d still be there and the most I got was a blurry view of the night sky - SO GUTTED! Anyone else get a good view?
I will never understand how or why wires knot themselves so easily… my headphones are a constant ball of knottage!
On Monday I made some crusty white rolls which evoked the most beautiful moment of foodie nostalgia. My Grandpa would buy me a crusty bread roll from the bakers every morning to eat when I got home from school – it was the highlight of my day. I totally relived this moment this week and it was truly marvellous!
Visited Dunham Massey with Mum and some of friends on Tuesday. The weather was predictably grizzly, but the flowers were beautiful, the birds were singing, there were deers wandering around, and we met some cute cows, which made it a pretty wholesome experience.
I’ve realised that my eyebrows, which have not been tended to for about 5 years, have migrated south - down my eyelids – is there a point where your eyebrows and eyelashes coalesce? I think I’m nearly there.
Last Sunday, I promised you that this week’s newsletter would feature cake and it does… On Sunday I baked a raspberry ripple, lemon and vanilla cake filled with lemon curd and enveloped in vanilla Swiss meringue buttercream – it’s heavenly and you should try it (recipe below).
I bought some seeded crackers from the new Gail’s bakery in Chester on Thursday and now I want to make my own version because they are very good! (I also got absolutely DRENCHED on the walk into town and am still drying out now).
I want David Nicholls new book ‘You are Here’, and ‘Entangled Life’ by Merlin Sheldrake (it’s all about fungi), and ‘God Is An Octopus’ by Ben Goldsmith (this one will probably make me cry but also it looks like a beautiful story!)
I had my first batch of roasted apricots of 2024 this week and they absolutely lived up to expectation… I also posted a photo of my porridge topped with said roasted apricots over on Instagram and seemed to confuse/horrify a fair few people as the apricots looked remarkably like egg yolks (see pic below) - oops, sorry for giving you that disconcerting impression!
I have various baking projects in my head that I NEED to try, or I won’t stop thinking about them, on the menu: a marble cake - I’m thinking a choccy vanilla combo, iced fingers, almond cake, blueberry & lemon cake, (clearly lots of cake), things with strawberries & cream… oh and those crackers I mentioned above!
Right, I think we’re done folks, as ever, sending so much love and hugs,
Steph X X X
Raspberry ripple cake with lemon curd and vanilla Swiss meringue buttercream
About this cake…
The first proper layered sponge cake I baked was a raspberry ripple cake back in January 2019… I forgot to put the ripple in the cake and ended up adding it to the buttercream instead. The resulting cake was a very plain sponge covered in pink icing that resembled tubby custard – wasn’t the vibe I was going for (see pic).
This week I decided I needed to revisit this cake. Firstly, I’m pleased to report that the ripple made it into the cake. I also pimped things up with a touch of lemon in the form of zest in the cake and curd between the layers, and finished things off with the most delicious velvety Swiss meringue buttercream flavoured with Madagascan vanilla.
I’ve broken the recipe down into the component parts so that you can approach it piece meal, also you can totally use each of these elements independent of each other. The curd is HEAVEN, the syrup is drinkable, the raspberry ‘jam’ is more if a puree - it’s so good stirred through yoghurt - remember fruit corners? That vibe - the cakes could be made and paired with alternative fillings and frostings and the buttercream is a great recipe to add to your archive.
Enjoy!
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