Routine may not sound particularly exciting or sexy, but for me, it’s necessary. It creates stability and improves my feeling of well-being - there’s a sense of safety, and comfort in knowing how things are going to play out. Sameness makes the world feel a little bit less chaotic, I feel more content, calmer, and I’m better able to function.
The past few weeks have been un-samey and far from routine- which I’ve found unsettling to say the least. It’s not all been bad stuff - although the hygienist skewering my gums and jet washing my teeth on Monday was, as ever, a truly hideous ordeal, and one that I had been anxiously dreading for at least 2 weeks prior to the appointment - but different.
The consequence of ‘different’ has been:
a) A constant, debilitating sense of doominess. I can’t really work out or understand what I’m feeling most of the time, but I know that my insides feel like they’re frantically trying to escape, my neck hurts and I keep trying to take deep breaths, but I can’t reach the bottom of my lungs, so I end up taking 80% of a deep breath which feels like I’m suffocating. My way of dealing with it is to try to pretend that the feelings aren’t there, and appear zen like other people, so I try to push it away which, confusingly, seems to make it 1,000 times worse.
b) I’m saluting lone magpies left right and centre and anticipating ‘badness’ at every turn… as I write this, walking back from the Co-op, I have just seen 2 magpies (2 for joy) so we’re all ok for a short while.
c) I’m not sleeping well and am consequently exhausted- I watched a whole series of ‘Sort your life out’ on BBC iPlayer one night this week and (as if I didn’t need this pointing out) I now feel I need to sort my life out (I’m totally obsessed with the idea of colour coding my Lego/books/kitchen utensils).
d) I’ve been prone to meltdowns… one ended with me sat at the bottom of my garage rocking on the floor in a ball.
e) My social battery is totally drained- you know with an iPhone when it completely runs out of battery it takes about 5 minutes to fully fire up again? I feel a bit like that, but the 5 minutes is more like 5 days- I need 5 days of recalibration… which I don’t have scheduled for another few days. Send help.
*Socialising hasn’t all been friends and fun, 50% of it has been appointments and meetings – these count as having to socialise in my world and I find it all utterly exhausting.
So… that’s where I’m at. You wouldn’t believe how ridiculous I feel writing in the same hopeless tone, I try so hard to pretend I’m casual, aloof, and bobbing through life serenely, but the reality is far from it and I’m so incapable of lying that I can only provide you with reality (less some swearing and toilet chat which feature more than I care to admit in real life).
More from the week
Aside from the hygienist appointment on Monday we had a man over to measure things in the house for a little bit of work that may need doing at some point…. In all honesty I’m not entirely sure what the purpose of his measuring was but he ruined my breakfast… he arrived at 9:30am not the 9:45am that he was scheduled to arrive at (thus we were never going to be friends), and having expressed the fact that he didn’t like dogs, I found navigating the whole situation extremely challenging - luckily Mum did the speaking bit and I comforted Olive, but I had no idea how to deal with it ‘sensitively’ and Olive just wanted to be his friend which made it all the more distressing.
Last week I was asked if I’d contribute to an upcoming book, this involved a written interview which I spent two days agonising over because I wanted to complete it honestly and perfectly.
Mum had her friend from London up to stay for a few days, which was welcome and nice but inevitably exhausting, as the days deviated from our routine and there was a constant need to interact socially… I failed at times.
I’ve not baked enough – as you know, baking is the thing that lights my fire and soothes my soul. A lack of it in my week becomes another contributor to my fizziness. That being said, I mentioned to you last week that I wanted to make a chocolate-y-cakey-mousse situation and at the beginning of the week, I did just that, (twice - following some preliminary tests - to make sure I had it nailed). I’ve written up the recipe for it below – it’s the perfect harmony of rich indulgence but also has that Aero, melt in the mouth, lightness – Nirvana!
I don’t have many friends, but I have a few really incredible people in my life, and this week one of them has been such a diamond. I appreciate her very much.
On Wednesday eve, I planned to have reheats of lentil dal (from the freezer), I took out the Tupperware, boiled the rice, microwaved my veg (snacked on some roasted kale while it all cooked) and as I went to put it all on my plate, realised I had defrosted the wrong meal… cue inexplicable panic, horror, hating myself and a level of distress I’m slightly embarrassed about. It was a meal I liked, it was still a curry, and it shouldn’t have mattered, but it did because I had a plan in my head, my tastebuds knew what to expect and they just weren’t primed for the alternative. I can’t remember eating the meal although I did because I hate waste, and I sobbed, sniffled, and sighed for most of the evening. Casual.
I’ve drunk a lot of peppermint tea… a fact you probably don’t need to hear.
I’ve noticed that although it still seems Baltic, the world suddenly looks very lush and green which I like.
I’ve said this before but I don’t really ‘do’ make up that well, I’m just rubbish at it. However, I always always scribble under my eyes with a little eyeliner each morning, in an attempt to make myself look and feel a bit more alive. For YEARS (I mean years) I have used the Rimmel Scandaleyes kohl eyeliner in black and it works a treat… but recently I’ve found it will not sharpen properly, the end just gets mashed, and spiky bits of wood remain that stab me in the eye - do any make up geniuses out there know of a decent pencil sharpener?
Right, that’s you’re lot… I’m off for a nap (wait, that’s a lie, I don’t nap, actually I’m off to make a chilli - normal reaction to tiredness at 11am on a Friday, right?*) Hope you're all doing ok!
*Update - have now made the chilli and just tried some, it was too hot in a temperature-heat way, and I think I just stripped a layer of tongue off.
Love and hugs as always,
Steph X X X
Chocolate mousse ‘cake’.
Ok so, imagine combing the rich, dense, moist chocolate-y-ness of a brownie with the light, airiness of a mousse - that’s what you have in this cake. One issue I have is defining it… is it cake… is it mousse? It’s a ‘C-ay-k-ousse’
The inspiration behind this one was twofold… one, I wanted to make a dessert/cake for when Mum’s friend came, and two, during a day-dreamy moment last week, I recalled a chocolate-mousse cake situation that I had developed for a Cheshire Life article about 18 months ago and I desperately wanted to replicate it. It was a layer of brownie style cake topped with a chilled mousse and it was really quite fabulous – that being said, it used about 5,000 eggs, and was a stage process, which I didn’t feel I had the mental stamina for.
So, after some research, I came up with the idea of sort of mashing the two concepts together – i.e. taking the chocolate-y richness of the brownie, lightening it by removing the flour and upping the eggs for a super floofy Aero vibe and baking it very moderately until just set. I’m not a total wizard, I had seen a similar recipe by Skye Gyngell on the Great British Chefs website (although she baked at a higher temperature than I had in mind), so was hopeful it might work, and you know what? It did. I’ll be honest, it’s not the easiest thing to portion up in that it’s a bit tricky to extract it from the tin neatly, but if we overlook aesthetics a bit, it’s honestly a very dreamy situation.
My preferred method of baking this guy is using a water bath as Skye does in her recipe, however, I also find this slightly terrifying as we use a spring form tin for easier release. Given this, I also tried baking it without the jeopardy of a water bath, it still works but it souffles a lot more, which also means it sinks and cracks on cooling - the resulting cake is denser which isn’t at all offensive but my preference is the ethereally light mousse version – just make sure you triple, (or even quadruple), wrap your baking tin in tin foil, plus a layer of cling film to keep the water away from the cake.
Ok, let’s go - I do hope you like it!
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