#31 Feeling like a charlatan

Before I get started, I have a quick update for you… it makes me nervous as I think you will all hate me a bit or consider me mercenary and well, just a bad person… so, *deep breath*, here goes…

I’ve agonised over doing this for a little while, but I’ve finally made the decision to introduce an optional paid subscription for my newsletter.

I know I’ve been a bit absent in recent months, but I want to make a more regular return to your inbox.. because I just love it!

That being said, ‘The Comfort Chronicles’ is entirely self-funded and obviously takes a fair amount of time and effort (*and a little bit of angst because I always want it to be PERFECT for you) to produce.

Promoting myself or selling my services doesn’t come easily to me AT all-  it feels impolite and I question my ability so much that I often don’t feel worthy.

However, I want to be able to continue to share my sheer JOY for baking, my discoveries, the comforts in my life and all the ups, and downs, therefore any support would be HUGELY appreciated.

OK… that’s all for the uncomfortable stuff, now for some comfort.

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First off, I owe you all a monstrous ‘Thank you’ - I’ve, once again, been totally overwhelmed, with the kindness, care, empathy and just downright loveliness you’ve shown me in the last week - I don’t really feel I deserve such a lovely family (you being my extended family) around me, but, it means an AWFUL lot to me, and I don’t want any of you to forget that… EVER!

I mentioned last week that I wasn’t entirely sure what tangent this TCC newsletter might take going forward; I’ve been trying to think of ways to make it a little more organised and subject specific each week - I have a terrible habit of repeating myself week on week… because my weeks are largely indifferent, a bit dull, and almost always feature a tumultuous roller coaster of emotions!

In the interest of streamlining things a bit, I’ve decided to delve a little deeper into specific ‘comfort’ subjects based on significant events in the week that spark my interest or unsettle my equilibrium.

This week is all about feeling like a charlatan… in this instance, with baking, but quite honestly, I’ve felt the same emotion in many other circumstances over my lifetime… so I want to delve a little deeper.

What it all boils down to…

I’m not good enough…

My journey to baking has been one of intrigue, psychological comfort, a specific devotion to bread that runs in my family (the passion has and always will be very real) and ironically, an eating disorder. I’ve learnt everything I know from books, articles, from personal mishaps, newsletters, social media, and friends in the industry. I don’t have a qualification, the thought of walking into a commercial kitchen environment fills me with fear, and there is so much I don’t know about… as is the case with my recent foray into the world of chiffon cake; from its characteristic nuances to ingredient ratios, technical aspects, and handling of the final baked product, I’m not exactly sure what I’m aiming for.

This mentality is the biggest barrier to me pursuing a career in the baking industry. Unless I acquire the training or gain the kitchen stripes, I feel wrong sharing my understanding or ‘selling’ my products/services. I have an insatiable appetite for the intricacies of baking which has lead me to read at length around various topics, I have baked recipes countless times to try to establish the root cause of my mistakes, and I am fortunate enough to have been able to discuss certain things with professionals in the industry, and yet I don’t feel any of that is good enough to justify me putting myself out there.

I don’t LOVE sweet stuff…

I don’t LOVE sweet stuff… Ok, so that’s not entirely true, but put it this way, I wouldn’t thank you for a slab of cake with my super-hot americano ft. hot oat milk - you’ve been warned! Don’t get me wrong, a mouthful of the sweet stuff has the power to lift even the lowest of moods, my preference is towards something creamy, fruity, maybe a little nutty; spice never fails, and chocolate absolutely has its place in the World, but I’m not turned on by the outrageously sweet & sumptuous delicacies on offer.
Similarly, I have been for afternoon tea in the past and frankly, I’d forego all the elaborate patisserie style offerings and just have a superbly fluffy, warm scone, dollop of clotted cream and smear of fresh strawberry jam… or a wedge of bread and oil - that would also hit the spot!

I only like a small amount…

I know, criminal… but let me explain. I have a real proclivity for miniature things; my ideal home would be a little town house, a small cottage, something cute and doll-house-like, my first Kitchen Aid was a mini one, my first car was a Ford KA (then a yellow Mini), I used to buy small pencil cases for school because big ones were overwhelming, (I had to fill all that pencil case SPACE), I have always opted for smaller sized iPhones, I can’t tell you how many mini diaries I have bought over the years (and failed to use I might add, they’re useless), I ADORE miniatures of condiments - Bonne Maman jams are too cute - and I’d rather buy small versions of things than large ones; I like the small packets of dry goods - like rice/pasta etc - more than the massive ones, big ones are just, well BIG and a bit intimidating - I’d like to use this opportunity to say, it is very cost IN-effective to be endowed with this particular penchant!

When it comes to a baked products, I am, similarly, very much in the miniature camp; I favour just enough to quell a sweet desire - an amount that makes me savour every morsel - but not so much that I get bored - which I easily do, I quite LIKE being left looking forward to the next time I eat it, is that wrong? It certainly feels ‘wrong’ when you have had a disordered relationship with food - so often the message is to ‘eat it all without regret’, don’t get me wrong, regret is an emotion we should NEVER attribute to food, but is it ok that I don’t like too much of things, or does this make me a superficial baker?

Am I allowed to call myself a baker?

To give some perspective, as far as the industry ‘regulations’ are concerned, anyone has the right to call a recipe their own if they make at least 3 tweaks to the original, either changing, adding, or removing an ingredient, altering the quantity of an ingredient that is used or implementing a different technique, e.g. take a simple shortbread recipe that uses 1:2:3 Caster sugar, Unsalted butter, plain flour, in order to make it my own, I could change the caster sugar for soft brown sugar, I could use half ground rice or semolina in place of some of the flour and I could add a touch of flavour in the form of vanilla, just to be sure, I could dip it in some white chocolate. In view of the fact that baking is a science, and therefore there’s only so much wiggle room for manoeuvre, this makes sense and it’s the small changes and little breakthrough moments (which often occur by accident) that lead to innovation and change.

Despite this ‘industry rule’, I feel a constant discomfort when it comes to talking about baking or sharing recipes with the confidence and assurance that says ‘I know what I’m saying and I am qualified to say it, therefore I’m in a position to educate you’. I am not trained and I don’t know ALL of the skills when it comes baking, I also don’t eat ALL that I bake, I try everything, but I give a lot of it away, (on that note, I think I need to create a goodie box at the end of my drive - call it Scraps and invite people to take a slice of whatever is on offer at the end of the day!) and the truth is, I rarely opt for a baked good (with the exception of bread - I hope you’re getting the gist of things here) or dessert (other than my go-to fruit and yoghurt), when out… but does all this override my feverish (verging on obsessive) passion for baking or make me ‘unqualified’ to have a place in the industry? Well, no because I just LOVE it!

… Beyond Baking

This level of imposter syndrome (I’ve done my absolute best not to draw on this phrase, I really don’t love it, but it kinda explains things in a nutshell), isn’t unique to baking, I feel it when and if I drive a car, (I question whether I’m adult enough to be doing it, owning (and training) a dog - am I doing it right? probably not). I don’t think I have ever made a meal for someone and not had my Mum around as sous chef or to take the flack if it’s not actually that great. I don’t like making people drinks because I probably do it badly, a supermarket big shop on my own terrifies me - How do people cope with the stress of all the food items racing down the conveyor belt?… the list goes on.

WHY do I feel like I do…

I guess much of this doubt all comes back to a chronic lack of self-esteem and a mindset that others are constantly judging… but are they really? and if they are… should it really matter to me? I suspect not.

A mini epiphany…

Prior to making that adorable Mimosa cake last week, (have I mentioned it much???), I did an EXCESSIVE amount of my own research, beyond that of the fabulous recipe from Nicola; this comprehensive scrutiny utterly fascinated and genuinely excited me, it also resulted in a dawning realisation, that what I produced was now, to a certain extent, MY interpretation of the cake.

Specifically, I recognised that my previous attempts at genoise sponges had, quite literally, fallen short and that I was clearly getting things a bit wrong somewhere. In a quest for super fluffy sponge cake, I watched countless videos to more clearly understand the technique and I understood where things were probably going awry. Upping the sugar a little, slightly reducing the fat content and adding a drop of milk, were all factors that would potentially mitigate the chances of creating a somewhat sad, flat, sponge. The changes I had made were marginal, they made very little difference, in terms of eating quality, to the end result but, for me, they were a fabulous insurance policy (alongside Nicola’s expert advice) against failure.

At the time, I didn’t consider my approach to the cake particularly special, but on reflection, all of the information I learned during the process was really valuable and I can impart this with others, right?

So now, I’m trying to reframe things a bit - I can’t say it’s coming easily but I’m trying!! This new mindset means removing the doubt that comes with my relative lack of experience and instead sharing my passion and also my knowledge (even if it’s common knowledge), highlighting the potential problems that can arise during bakes and describing the outcome to aim for… I can also hold my hands up to not understanding why certain (bad) things happen so that you know you’re not alone if you too experience a moment of catastrophe.

The point is, everything in life that we know to be true started with an idea, an idea that has been corroborated (or refuted) with further experimentation and evidence. Over the years, ideas are challenged, innovation and substantiation take place and our knowledge evolves… so maybe that’s just what I need to think I’m doing; experimenting, validating, challenging and occasionally, inventing, ideas, in my own way, from my own little kitchen, because I thoroughly enjoy it… and hopefully I can pass on a few nuggets of wisdom to others!

In conclusion (just read this paragraph and you’ll get the gist of what I’ve been trying to say)

I’m not sure that I haven’t just waffled an awful lot of nonsense here, but I hope some of it may be relatable to anyone else struggling with a level of self-doubt and anxiety over something... anything! You’re not alone and you are absolutely worthy of being in the position you are in. There is space for more than one doctor, gardener, hairdresser, dentist, brick layer, dancer, runner, astronaut, in this world and we all bring something to the party, so don’t let your fervour & gift go unshared. Here’s to sharing what we know… (and don’t know) with each other forever more.

Brownies with Love

So I mentioned above that I don’t LOVE monstrous, sweet things, and I stand by that, but a square of rich, fudgy, chocolate brownie (preferably with some chocolate chunks thrown in there) is simply irresistible (being the weirdo that I am, a bite sized amount suffices, but in my opinion it’s one of the most important recipes to have in your recipe locker).

I spent a good while nailing down this recipe, and in the spirit of transparency, owe A LOT of credit to my pastry bestie Becca, who’s brains are 100% behind this recipe which was featured in my first book, The Joy Of Baking.

My biggest frustration when it came to making brownies was this quest for a ‘paper thin shiny crust’. Commonly recipes ask you to whip the eggs and sugar until pale, aerated, and thick, before folding in the chocolate/butter mix, followed by the dry ingredients. Technically, this should mean that the sugar dissolves, thus leading to a shiny surface on your brownie once baked. HOWEVER, when using this technique myself, this elusive shiny crust NEVER transpired, all too often (aka always), the top of my brownie would soufflé somewhat in the oven and then set firm resulting in a thick DRY (never a word to associate with brownie) meringue-style crust, that would crack wildly when cut. Becca agreed with me on this matter and shared that she avoided this step and instead partly melted the sugar in with the butter and chocolate, let it cool a bit then stirred in the eggs before finally folding in the dry ingredients. Magically, this completed circumnavigated the risk of a crater ridden, dry crust and instead gave me a shiny top, plus it calls for less equipment - hurrah!

Further characteristics I seek in my brownie are a balance of salt to the sweetness, a super fudgy (not gooey or cakey) texture - achieved by not over baking the brownie and allowing it to cool first to room temp and then in the fridge before cutting it - and finally some sort of hidden surprise (chocolate chips are my preference but fruit and nut are also great options).

So, without further ado, below is my go-to recipe, I’ve also shared my tips, adaptations, and a few notes on how you can personalise it yourself. Hope you like it!

(above: topped with ganache, heated and drizzled with cream!!)

Serves: 16

Hands on time: 25 minutes
Cooking time: 25-30 minutes

Ingredients

165g unsalted butter 
225g good quality dark chocolate
115g golden caster sugar
160g Soft Light brown sugar

110g plain flour
35g Good quality cocoa powder
½ tsp fine salt
50g milk chocolate 
50g white chocolate 
3 large eggs


Method

Preheat the oven to 180C/160C fan and grease and line an 8 (or 9 inch*) square tin with baking parchment.
*I originally developed this recipe using an 8 inch tin, but have since baked the same volume in a 9 inch erring on the lower end of the baking time - both yielded a similarly lush result.

Melt the butter and chocolate in a bowl placed over a pan filled with around an inch of simmering water – stirring occasionally. Once melted, add the sugars to the bowl (still over the heat) and gently stir to combine, keep over the heat for around 5-10 minutes, allowing the sugar to dissolve a little, before setting aside to cool for around 10 minutes. 

Meanwhile, prepare the remaining ingredients: sift the flour, cocoa powder and salt into a large bowl and set aside. Chop the chocolate into small chunks. Crack the egg into a small bowl and lightly whisk.

Once the chocolate, butter and sugar mixture has cooled slightly, stir in the eggs a little at a time with a hand whisk or spatula – work quite quickly with each addition to prevent the eggs from scrambling. The mixture may look a little split, just continue to stir past this stage until well combined and resembling ganache in consistency.

Finally, VERY gently fold through the flour, cocoa powder and salt; you want to work the mixture as little as possible, just before you have finished folding in the dry ingredients, add the chocolate chips and continue to fold through. Once everything is just combined, stop mixing and transfer straight to your prepared tin. Level with a spatula and bake in the oven for around 25-30 minutes** – it should be firm to the touch but remain soft in the centre – the key to a decent brownie is definitely to under rather than over bake.
**See notes below

Once baked, remove from the oven, leave to cool in the tin, placed on a wire rack. Once cool, transfer to the fridge for at least an hour to set a little firmer. When you can’t wait any longer, remove from the fridge and using a very sharp knife, cut into squares – size is up to you, I suggest 16 squares. Bear in mind, this devilish beauty is blooming rich so a little goes a long way but you’re the judge of how much you want/need at any given time so I’ll leave that decision in your capable hands.

TIPS:

• This is a template for a world of brownie adventure, wonderful additions include:

-        Fresh or frozen Cherries/raspberries – the tartness cuts through the chocolate incredibly.

-       Alternatively add a few dollops of salted caramel to the top of the brownie batter before baking for a wicked salted caramel brownie situation.

-        ORRRR Stir through toasted nuts – brazil nuts, pistachios and pecans work wonderfully I find. 

• Where possible use good quality ingredients; 70% dark chocolate is my preference, butter with a high fat ratio – above 80% and good quality cocoa powder.

• Top with lightly whipped ganache for an extra layer of flavour and texture.

• If you don’t have a family of 16 to feed, scale this down by dividing the full quantity of ingredients by 3, bake for around 20-23 minutes in a 4x6 inch (or equivalent) tin.

• Give a square of brownie a 10 second blitz in the microwave and serve with a scoop of ice cream or cream for a fondant style brownie dessert.

**NOTES:

• As mentioned above, many recipes suggest whipping up the eggs (and sugar) until aerated and pale in colour, I choose not to as I find it has the potential to result in a brownie with a hard exterior – akin to meringue, which not only cracks dramatically on cutting, but also isn’t the texture I’m seeking when I bite into my ultimate brownie heaven. I therefore favour the ‘stir it all together’ technique – less in the way of equipment needed and far more pleasing results, (in my opinion).

• Inserting a skewer into a brownie isn’t a great method of testing its readiness. Firstly, it results in puncture holes all over the top of your brownie – not ideal – but also, you are likely to bring out a skewer with a fair amount of batter on it, which may fool you into thinking it’s not baked. My best advice here is: it shouldn’t wobble in the middle of the brownie if you give the tray a little shake, if it does, pop it back in the oven for 5 more minutes; if you touch the top it should feel firm enough that you don’t punch through the skin with very little force - underneath, it will still be wonderfully gooey – it sets firmer as it cools… but remains wonderfully truffle-y and rich.

• Allowing the brownie to cool fully in the tin and further set in the fridge is essential for the ultimate fudgy brownie.

• If you prefer a more cake-y brownie, that comes with longer baking and possibly a touch more flour. I’m afraid, however, this highlights the point that we are all different and, in this instance, my preference for fudgy and rich has won. Don’t be afraid to tweak the flour and baking time though to achieve your desired result if cake-y is more your thing.

Other stuff this week…

• WHAT IS THIS WEATHER?? It’s March and I feel like we are owed a bit more in the way of warmth and blue skies… pretty please?? On the plus side, I’m very much enjoying the brighter days and Spring flowers that are starting to emerge.

• I made my first attempt at the INCREDIBLE Darcie Maher’s buttermilk croissants. I wanted to bake them for Mother’s day as they are one of Mum’s favourites, but ended up being impatient and essentially baking some off on Friday afternoon, then another batch Saturday morning and a final set this morning! Croissants on REPEAT!! There is definitely room for improvement in terms of my technique but OH MY WORD are they good… Darcie is an absolute baking goddess, I’m completely in awe of what she produces, obviously her recipe is genius. It was available to buy along with butter sheets courtesy of The Edinburgh Butter company, I’m not entirely sure if it still is, but would be worth emailing them to check if you fancy trying them out yourself!!

• A final special mention to a lady called Angela - I don’t think she will ever read this but… I met her at the hairdressers. During some very wholesome chatting, she told me that her husband of 50 years had left her 18 months ago, her family had been split down the middle and it had obviously caused her huge distress. Despite the heartache and amidst the lingering pain she obviously still felt, Angela was getting her life back on track, she had new friends, was doing new things and she was smiling. Her strength, kindness and just awesomeness was totally inspirational. It’s not to say that we all need to pull ourselves together and ‘be happy’ because we have X,Y,Z, but it is a little reminder to NEVER give up, life is short, you never quite know what is around the corner but you really can face anything and still find some happiness.

Right wonderful people, I hope you have all had a reasonable week & a very marvellous weekend… despite the wild weather.

As ever, I’m sending all my love and hugs!

Steph x