#30 Emerging from Hibernation

I made a commitment to myself that this week I HAD to send out a newsletter.

As each week has passed with me failing to check in with you on here, I’ve felt an increased sense of guilt… it’s that classic thing where you keep putting something off because it feels challenging or you doubt yourself with it, or your head is just elsewhere, and the more you put it off, the more intense the guilt/challenge and doubt become - can’t recommend the tactic although I must admit, it’s one I seem to employ quite a bit.

In truth, I’ve felt a little bit of self-inflicted pressure - to live up to the length and depth of past newsletters, I’ve also been conscious that I have A LOT to say but some of it sounds a bit dull or moan-y (New Year/winter syndrome - it’s a thing) and I’m poor at organising my thoughts - they all just want to tumble out at once which doesn't make for great reading. I’ve also been utterly shattered (puppy parent life), and I’ve really just lacked the discipline to sit down and focus.

Anyway, on Monday, I wrote myself a to do list for the week which included (amongst other things like ‘test various recipes’ - I’m currently in a somewhat pointless, but very fulfilling obsessive recipe testing hole - more on that in a bit), ‘Write newsletter’, I also included the following simple ‘notes to self’ regarding said newsletter:

1. It doesn’t need be long,

2. … or perfectly written,

3. it just has to happen…

so here we are… with a: potentially short, most probably disorderly, and unquestionably inarticulate ramble.

A few life updates…

• First up - things have changed a bit for me since the New year. I made the difficult decision to resign from the job I had at my old school. I was still really struggling to juggle the demands of the role with other areas of my life and just felt totally exhausted. My mental health was really suffering, which was not only compromising me, but it also meant I wasn’t bringing my A-game to work which felt horrible - I hate the idea of not doing a good job. Unfortunately, this puts me in a pretty uncomfortable financial position and obviously I feel intense guilt and worthlessness at my ineptitude BUT… I had to recognise what it was doing to me and eventually yield. Whilst things have remained quite tough, I have to admit, I’ve felt better for stepping back from the role.

• Next on the update list… Olive (our Puppy for any newbies round here). Oh golly, what a life changer it is getting a dog. Honestly people say it and you think… really? or in my case, “I’m too selfish and I can’t imagine getting that obsessed about another living thing”… welllll let me tell you; yes I can! Our little ball of fluff has completely changed my World and I’m totally in love with her. Yes, it’s HARD getting a puppy and don’t let anyone make you think otherwise; they chew, they yap, they zoomie (hilarious), they eat everything they shouldn’t, they never stop, especially at times that you want to relax, they make you question your sanity and teaching them things takes a LOT of positive reinforcement*… But they are also unbelievably loving, clever, rewarding, their joy is infectious, and they make life seem SO worthwhile.

  *if anyone has any tips on encouraging a reluctant puppy to walk then I’m all ears… oh and desensitising them to other barking dogs and people knocking at the door (she hates both of these and I currently feel like a failure/bad mother for not making her confident enough to deal with these things!)

  

• Baking. I lost the bug… COMPLETELY. I think a combination of being really quite depressed, and being totally exhausted, meant I just couldn’t find the energy to step into the kitchen. I genuinely questioned whether I had been a fraud all along and that baking wasn’t in my DNA, or whether I’d just fallen out of love with it.

  BUT THEN… one chilly, dark January morning, I randomly started on a recipe for Chelsea buns - and a mission to perfect them became a total obsession. After multiple attempts, I fixed on an ULTRA plush Tangzhong dough, filled with sweet almond-y butter, and apricots - was kinda special!

  Next I moved onto soda bread (which incidentally doesn’t receive the hype its due - when done right, it’s an excellent creation), followed by a VERY deep dive into the world of Devil’s food cake (I literally messaged every pastry chef I follow asking their opinion on how to precisely balance the acid - buttermilk/coffee/brown sugar - and alkali - bicarbonate of soda) and some subtle tweaking to my carrot cake recipe - needless to say, my road have been well fed with cake in the last few weeks.

  I have also managed to completely bamboozle my brain with Tart au citron; as it happens, it behaves completely differently to a standard vanilla custard tart; I’m talking speed of cooking, it’s tendency to crack & the need for a very sturdy pastry base to encase it. I think I’m satisfied with where I’ve ended up recipe wise, but I’m not sure I can go as far as to say it's fool proof yet - more research required!! My kitchen experiments haven’t stopped there; I’m a fiend for a new bread recipe, this week I became engrossed in the tradition, symbolism, and composition of Mimosa cake - if you missed it, check out my Insta post for more on this and a little note on International Women’s Day - and my mind is wild with new ideas and things I want to try.

  

  

  

  

  Much as my efforts have had very little purpose, (a couple have been for Cheshire Life Magazine which you can get your hands on over the next few months), the challenges have been unbelievably engaging and rewarding… I just find the whole concept of baking utterly intriguing, therapeutic, calming, exciting… I’m a self-confessed baking geek! All of this has really reinforced to me that I MUST try to make this baking/foodie lark my career… in what way and mustering the confidence to do so remain my stumbling blocks. For now though, you will have to put up with the outcome of my kitchen discoveries - I’m thinking a little brownie situation for my next newsletter!

Little nuggets of Comfort from the past couple of months

Besides the life updates, I have found myself cycling through episodes of lethargy and misery, interspersed with beautiful moments of pure calm and happiness which have been extremely welcome following last year’s relentless grief and turmoil. Sometimes these cosy little moments have been attributed to baking, other times just seeing the joy in Olive, then there has been the promise of Spring (Daffodils, blossom, brighter mornings/evenings… ya know the drill) but also the really simple things. I know I have talked about this many times before but I just value some of my little mundane rituals so much; my espresso first thing, followed by a mid-morning coffee of freshly ground coffee beans, brewed in my Moka pot and topped with a cloud of frothed oat milk, then there’s my daily bowl of porridge that never fails to hug me from the inside out, a quick 10 minute stretch after a trip to the gym, and the satisfaction of a clean kitchen, fresh bedsheets or a hair wash (these should probably happen more often but I’m not perfect ok?!!). Meanwhile, warming Dal’s, buttered granary toast with lashings of butter and marmalade, chicken soup and sticky baked fruit with yoghurt & a sprinkle of granola have been my foodie delights.

… and a couple of things I’ve learnt

• Nurture things - basically, I’m really poor at jobs that fall under the category ‘maintenance’… you know those mundane daily activities that have to be done and even though they’re not all that taxing, they just feel like REALLY hard work? For me, cleaning my coffee pot and feeding my sourdough starter (amongst other things like getting ready for bed/washing - myself, feeding the dog, changing the bed - the list goes on) are the two that REALLY get to me, so much so that I have largely ignored both for a good few months. Needless to say, the coffee pot was no longer performing (I blamed IT not myself of course) and my sourdough starter was… WILD and I don’t mean that in a good way - black and v.smelly! The excellent news is that I’ve got a grip of the situation (phew!!) and I can now confirm that after a deep clean of the coffee pot and some TLC for my sourdough starter, both are back in working order and I’m honestly proud as punch of myself for taking better care of them again - it’s the small wins right?

  **evidence of my thriving little starter and its latest offspring:

  

  

  

• The best things often don’t come easy, they take time, patience, hard work, failure, learning, perseverance, tenacity, belief, and passion… but you learn more, the results are superior and the reward is far far greater!

Stuff that’s caught my eye

• Stunning tableware from Hot Pottery - I’ve seen a few people tagging some gorgeous pieces from this brand such that I now have a lengthy wish list myself!

• These adorable Muffin cases - I saw my friend Nicola using them so welcomed the need to replenish my muffin case stash with these multicoloured beauties.

• Polka pants - Ok, I’m completely obsessed with this brand. One thing I find frustrating about being a permanent resident in my kitchen is that I take very little pride in my appearance*, I mean, who do I need to impress? and everything gets filthy anyway so why bother? *I'm really not joking when I say this too; I have a handful of off-coloured Nike gym tops that I rotate throughout the week, some have holes in, a couple of pairs of Sweaty Betty leggings - also somewhat threadbare after repeated use over the past few years and a Nike Zip through hoodie that is stained with various products, most notably bleach.

  It’s not that I feel the need to look glamorous 24-7 - in fact, that’s very NOT me, but I feel a bit better about myself when I have a slightly smarter outfit on and my hair is freshly washed… enter Polka pants - cited as stylish, comfy, high wasted and available in two lengths, these seem like the PERFECT answer to my bake wear woes, I particularly LOVE the reverse polka dot and croissant print!

• New M&S Fruit find - Alizza fruit. I have a somewhat pricey obsession with buying fruit… and the rarer or more visually appealing it is, the more compelled I am to buy it! Last week I came across an Alizza fruit; a grapefruit/orange hybrid - that marries the best characteristics of both. It possesses the wonderful juicy orange sweetness with hints of grapefruit sourness. I’m a fan! I’m not sure if this is an M&S special but if you’re in need of a bit of fruity goodness, go try to hunt one down and let me know what you think!

• Camilla Wynne’s book Jam bake - OK I’m late to the party but I’ve recently been eyeing up Camilla’s book having read some of her pieces in my friend Nicola’s newsletter. Not only does she seem like a QUEEN, baking goddess and all round rockstar (literally), she also has written some fabulous recipes… so this too is on my rather lengthy wish list!

The future

I’m not quite sure what tangent this newsletter will take over the next few months, but fear not, I want to stick around. Primarily, I’m keen to share with you my foodie discoveries and recipes because that is what excites me most!

In the meantime, I hope you are all doing ok… if you’re struggling in some way, I know how tough it can be, I really really do and I won’t sugar-coat it; bad times can be really ugly and can last way longer than you think possible, but the tide WILL turn, things WILL improve, or at least evolve. And let’s be clear, improvement is not necessarily euphoria, it may not be partying or socialising (I’m defo not doing this) or making loads of money (nor this) or bringing back a loved one, it may simply be: feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin, smiling at something on TV, writing, reading, or baking a cake that gives you an unrivalled sense of satisfaction both inside and out.

Now I’m going to round things off with a bit of motivational talk (and as much a message to myself as all of you)… Embrace life with wonder, discovery, joy and fun. If you have big dreams, chase them, let nothing stand in your way; don’t fear failure, the only failure is not to try, everything else is just a lesson learnt. Never stop learning, always ask more questions. Stay humble. Remain grateful. You can make it through anything and everything you encounter. Spread love… and don’t forget to love yourself too.

Sending love and hugs to you all,

Steph x