#16 Live Despite the Challenges

This week has been FULL ON. On a continuum, it probably hasn’t been particularly crazy, but when life feels a bit out of control, I crave routine, and it has been far from that.

Sunday evening, I cried so much, my eyes were puffy, my nose was red and snotty and I felt rubbish. There was nothing particularly new to cry about, but general concerns over: money, career (most notably, what I want that career to be) and just adulting in general- I haven’t remotely grasped it - and when I say that, I really mean it, I find it embarrassing how much I rely on my Mum for support and my fear of stepping out into the world is monumental. It’s hard to explain the feeling when these particularly dark clouds* come over me; I get this overwhelming irrational fear, a genuine feeling of worthlessness and a real sense of loneliness. I feel SO small in this huge world around me, I feel like I don’t fit, like everyone is doing stuff and I’m not… and worse than that, I don’t know what I want to do, it’s like I’m a broken cog in this massive machine… and all I wish for is happiness, love, and safety. I quickly spiral off into a whirlwind of anxiety and end up in a ball of tears. With a bit of motherly support, (& a snotty sleeve), I managed to calm myself down a little - the resulting bags under my eyes were something Louis Vuitton would have been proud of!

*I have nothing against clouds by the way, in fact, I like clouds especially the whispy white ones… but these ones I’m referring to are less fun - they’re the ones that lack definition, and look like they are going to spew their guts on you (rain spew, just to be clear)

Monday wasn’t a vast improvement although those of you who follow me on Instagram will know that a special little porridge situation was a welcome moment of bliss (recipe to follow).

On Tuesday I toddled off to London for a meeting and to see a couple of friends - I VERY nearly bailed, I couldn’t face it, the socialising, the travelling, the change of routine - keep me in my safety bubble please and thank you. Anyway, it happened, and I’m very grateful it did- these were some very high highlights…

• A coffee from Flat Cap Coffee in Borough Market - it was a VERY good coffee which perked me up nicely after an early start on Tuesday!

  

• Next came a sample of two cheeses - firstly from Bath soft cheeses which I have tried some of before but I sampled some ‘Merry Wyfe’ which was magical, I will be ordering some now I am home (I couldn’t purchase it whilst I was there as it would have resembled cheese sauce after HOT day in London). Second came some Comté which I have had a lot before, but it was particularly good.

• THEN… I FOUND A blood nectarine!!!… so it wasn’t a blood peach (if you have read #12 of the comfort chronicles, you will remember my desire to try one of these) but I figured they were probably quite similar. I found it in Natoora in Sloane Square, the guy who served me even sliced it up - because I knew that biting into a JUICY ripe nectarine whilst wearing a white t-shirt was a dangerous game - and it was just as good as I expected it to be. I want to live around there by the way (when I win the lottery), it’s SO SO fabulous.

  

• This flower shop display… it was just PREEETTTTY!!

  

• This view… featuring some GOOD clouds…

  

• Another coffee with one of my best friends, Sally… not only was it another marvellous coffee but the company was also just what I needed.

After this London expedition - yes that’s what it felt like because I’m a lightweight and any socialising or switch up to my routine is a major ordeal - I came back very sleepy and with a to a ‘to-do list’ as long as my arm… needless to say, I needed comfort cookies to get me through the week - see below! I’m generally TERRIBLE at approaching a long list of things - I like writing the list… but subsequently find it especially daunting to look at let alone work through. Instead of tackling it in bitesize chunks, I spend a lot of time procrastinating and finding things to do that are neither important nor need doing at all - looking at holidays I can’t afford are an excellent time waster!!! Ooops! I did manage to get a few bits done… and thoroughly enjoyed ticking them off the list. I have told myself the rest can wait… I’ll add them to next weeks to do list instead.

I think that’s about all to update you on… oh, other than… ‘Bake Yourself Happy’ is out on Friday next week… (which you probably are all bored of hearing about). I signed copies on Monday for those of you who have ordered them from WH Smiths andddd… I am now doing a book signing at Waterstones in Chester from 11am on the 17th September… so if you fancy coming and saying Hi, please do, it would be lovely to meet you!

Right - let’s crack on with a few recipe highlights and some little extras below:

Blackberry, bay & almond porridge

As expressed above and earlier in the week, this little porridge concoction was something of a masterpiece. I should possibly forewarn you that as a diehard porridge fan, I reckon I’m PRETTY easily pleased so I may be bigging this up more than is justified… but I do promise you it tastes good.

This is an example of relative simplicity, good ingredients and a little bit of love combining and really DELIVERING when you need it. Somewhat inspired by those Friands I made a few weeks back, I combined freshly picked blackberries with bay, cinnamon, vanilla and almond (plum would also work in place of the blackberries). I used jumbo oats and soaked them overnight in milk, I then cooked them on the stove with a fresh bay leaf from the garden, a little vanilla and a pinch of cinnamon. I served it with handpicked blackberries from down the road (Chester’s finest) macerated in a sprinkle of brown sugar, some thick Greek yoghurt, toasted seeds and almond butter. It was the epitome of comfort… the cooking of it, the plating of it, the eating of it- GOLDEN.

Side note, I’ve been asked a couple of times ‘how I eat’ my porridge… which always tickles me but actually… it’s a very valid question - I mean, do you stir it altogether, do you dip into each element so that every mouthful has a bit of everything, big spoon? little spoon? extra cold milk to drizzle? - is there a porridge eating etiquette????

Well, my technique (and the only way as far as I’m concerned) is as follows: I always use a teaspoon… a decent sized teaspoon but not as hefty as a dessert spoon- it’s hot porridge so I like small mouthfuls. I then tend to dip and dive but NEVER stir it altogether, so I get a little of everything on the spoon with each mouthful… however, I ALWAYS ALWAYS save most of the nut butter to the end (because its the best bit right?). Invariably it glues my mouth and I spend the following 5 minutes unsticking it - lovely!!

Serves: 1 generous sized portion

Ingredients

60g Jumbo oats
300ml milk - I used 50/50 semi skimmed and almond milk
1 bay leaf
1 tsp vanilla extract/bean paste
Pinch of ground cinnamon

75g Blackberries
1 tsp brown sugar/maple syrup

50g Greek yoghurt 
Heaped tsp almond butter
1 tbsp toasted mixed seeds

Extra maple syrup to serve

Method

Soak the oats with the milk overnight or for at least an hour prior to cooking. Combine the blackberries and sugar/maple syrup and let them macerate while you cook the porridge. Transfer the soaked oats and milk to a saucepan with the bay leaf and vanilla. Place over a medium heat and bring to a simmer stirring frequently. Once simmering, cook for around 5 minutes stirring continuously or until thickened to your desired consistency. Remove from the heat and transfer to a bowl. Top with a dollop of thick Greek yoghurt, the toasted seeds, nut butter and macerated blackberries. Drizzle with a little extra maple syrup if you desire - I’m a purist and like it as it comes. Enjoy! 

Creamy Yoghurt Tahini dip/Salad dressing

I’ve had a few happy accident situations this week and this was one of them. I ended up raiding the fridge for odds and ends for my lunch on Thursday; I had half a packet of mixed grains, some cooked beetroot, cucumber, spinach, odds and ends of herbs and some greek yoghurt. I basically muddled all the veggies and grains together, added some protein by way of cooked green lentils and combined the greek yoghurt with some tahini/honey/lemon (+ other bits), to create this wonderful thick dippy/sauce-y situation that really hit the spot. I gave it a second go on Friday because I never make a note of what goes into things… luckily, I had remembered enough to replicate it, noted what I did and now you can try it too. I think this one would be fabulous served with other dippy bits (guacamole/hummus/ tortilla crisps, olives… oh god, I need to make this a reality) for a ‘Friday night with friends’ situation… or just for yourself!

Serves 1

Ingredients

50g Greek yoghurt
10g Tahini
10ml (a good squeeze) fresh Lemon juice
A scant 1/2 tsp runny honey
1 small garlic clove
1/4 tsp dijon mustard
1 tsp finely chopped Dill
1 tsp finely chopped parsley
pinch of flaky sea salt
pinch of ground pepper
optional sprinkle of toasted sesame seeds

Method

Measure all of the ingredients into a small bowl, taste and adjust seasoning to suit. Add an optional drizzle of cold water (about 1 tsp max) to loosen a little and spoon over salads. Or omit the water and enjoy as a thick dip, top with an optional scattering of toasted sesame seeds and serve with warm pitta or crudités.

Hazelnut & chocolate sandwich cookies

I really *needed* a little biscuit related comfort on Thursday morning having arrived back from a couple chaotic days without much… and these were the solution. They’re low effort, maximal reward and… you can eat the ingredients as you go- yes I snacked on the roasted hazelnuts (and subsequently had to amend the recipe), ate cookies pre-filling, and licked plenty of dark chocolate prior to enjoying a fair few of the end product!

These devilishly moorish cookies were inspired by a recent post I saw on Instagram for an Italian delicacy called Baci di Dama. Now I’ve never tried one of these cookies before so I can’t tell you what they’re ‘meant’ to be like (take me to Italy now and I’ll happily try the real deal) but I’m pretty sure that what I have created here are a little different... Nevertheless these are still really VERY good.

Essentially, it’s a couple of small, sweet, buttery, roasted hazelnut cookies that MELT in the mouth, sandwiched together with a dark chocolate and flaky sea salt filling- it’s a very DREAMY combo that has some Nutella vibes going on but WAY better… (I don’t like Nutella and I like these so clearly my opinion is that they are better!!) If you give them ago, report back!

makes approximately 14 sandwich cookies

Ingredients

50g blanched hazelnuts
35g plain flour
15g rice flour or just use all plain
50g unsalted butter room temp - but not oily
50g Caster sugar

Pinch flaky sea salt
60g dark choc

Method

Toast the hazelnuts for around 8 minutes (or until fragrant and golden) at 200C/180C fan. Leave to cool.

Once fully cooled, pulse with the caster sugar to a fine crumb in a food processor. Next add the butter and blitz to form a smoothish, creamy paste, finally add the flours and salt and pulse to form a soft dough. Dump out onto a piece of cling film and press into a neat flat rectangle about 1.5 cm thick. Refrigerate until firm - I left mine about 3 hours. 

Once firm, preheat the oven to 180C/160C fan. Cut into approximate cubes - approx 7g in weight (you should have around 28 cubes/portions. Roll into balls - the dough will become softer as you roll them, I’m a bit anal and weigh each little ball to try to achieve the same weight but you don’t need to do this and can eyeball it once you have approximately the right size - and place on a large lined baking tray approx 2cm apart. Bake in the oven for 15-18 minutes or until lightly golden. Allow to cool. Melt the chocolate and leave to cool a little - you want it to be a little thickened, not set but also not completely fluid. Pipe or blob a small amount on one cookie and sandwich with a second cookie, repeat until all of the cookies are filled. Serve with great coffee or just throughout the day.

EX-TRAS:

• Our delightful neighbours have a plum tree which has yielded an INCREDIBLE amount of fruit this year… and we have been the lucky recipients of an endless supply over the last few weeks - needless to say, my evening dessert has been roasted plums on repeat with thick greek yoghurt… and I’m NOT MAD ABOUT IT!

• I don’t have a huge number of friends, but the ones I have are extra special and I’m SO grateful for them. However, this week I have felt part of a much bigger, tight knit community from my days in athletics, and gosh it has made me realise how much I love sport for what it does in terms of building incredible bonds… sports people are just a special bunch. A friend of mine from University was involved in a very serious cycling accident last weekend, he’s on life support and his future is very uncertain. Ben is a truly incredible human; full of positivity, life, energy and fun, I’ve not spoken to him since university, and god do I regret it now! This week though, the sporting/athletics community that he and I have both been a part of has come together like you would not believe, I have reconnected with people, learnt of the AMAZING things that Ben has done in his life and laughed at some of his wonderful ways. This awful situation has once again made me realise JUST how fragile life is, how we should always tell the people we love how much they mean, acknowledge the small things that others do to light up our worlds and just be BLOOMIN grateful for every little minute - and I’m not just talking about our own minutes, but the minutes of others that enrich our lives too.

• Finally… some wise words from Matt Haig earlier this week - he shared a little piece which put into words what an episode of depression feels like for him… most importantly though, he finished with the following message which I love…

  “Live despite the challenges… feel it but exist anyway, knowing that eventually something will change. Because that is what life is… Change.”

Thank you as always for your support and love… sending hugs out to you all!

Steph x