#147 Brownie Cake... A Br-ake.

It’s 7:33pm and I’m lying on the grass in our back garden... I’m here mainly because I’ve been feeling (feel) cripplingly anxious… those of you who have been around here for a while will know that I customarily live within a framework of angst, but for about 5 weeks now, (maybe 6, I’ve lost count) it’s been more explosive.

And this week it seems to have revved up another gear. We’ve gone from butterflies and knots and teeth grinding to a constant: “am I dying?, everyone hates me, the world is probably, definitely ending, and I must perform lots of rituals to avoid catastrophe”, panic.

I keep trying to take a deep breath, and when I can’t take a deep breath, because, spoiler, it’s not normal to keep taking deep breaths, I panic and try again… so now my lungs ache from trying to take deep breaths. I’m also so tense that my neck and shoulder muscles feel crumpled and stiffer than the ironing board I don’t use, and my eyelid is twitching.

The guy I bumped into in the gym this morning also now thinks I’m a fruit-loop because I chose to walk through the left-hand door (the preferred ‘lucky’ door) even though he was holding the right-hand door open for me. I subsequently explained to him that I was quite anxious and needed to use the left-hand door, which obviously all sounded a bit weird… I know, I’m embarrassed for my former self too.

The grass feels nice though… cool and fresh, admittedly not ideal for hay fever, which I have a spot of too… but soothing nonetheless, and horizontal seems more favourable than vertical at the moment so I think I might stay here tonight.

I’m telling you all this, not for pity, and not because I have a perfect solution for overcoming these feelings. But because firstly, I don’t think it’s right to hide these things and secondly, today, or one day, this may be relatable to you or someone you know, and I’m not entirely sure why, but I think it helps to hear that someone else feels the same sometimes. So, if you feel this way at some point, ever, SAME… and whilst it feels unlikely in the moment, experience tells me that we will get through this… patience!

So yes, this is me right now, and whilst it all sounds a bit flippant when I write it down like this, it’s kinda gross in reality. I’ve spent much of the week guzzling chamomile tea because #zen and nettle tea because someone on YouTube said it helps hay fever so obviously, I’m heeding their very non-professional advice. Honey has become my 6th food group (I feel like this cures everything?), and I’m delighting in bubbly baths comfy, often fluffy, also bubbly, cloudy bakes that distract my mind… focaccia, meringue, pistachio genoise (ft raspberries and lemon-y mascarpone) … brownie cake too because chocolate is an antidote to EVERYTHING, is it not? This is also (very excitingly) the recipe I’m sharing with you this week, and I just can’t wait for you to try it! It’s soft, ABSURDLY chocolate-y, demi-dense, moist, rich, delicious. The moussey ganache is rich, velvety, brilliance, and it all comes together with minimal brain powder which is ideal in times of stress. Obviously heating it in the microwave supercharges it to a new realm of goodliness (that’s a word) … I’m 99.9% sure this beauty will improve your mood, even if only for a moment or two.

Other comforting joyful snippets:

• The French open - admittedly not great for the anxiety because - WOW that was tense, but what an epic display of sporting prowess, also sportsmanship. Sport is just brilliant I think, and this was a particularly gripping display, one that I’m extremely proud to say I witnessed.

• … and more this weekend, Le Mans, the Canadian Grand Prix, Queen’s, the US open, JOY!

• Chirpy people - so many of them about, being friendly and lovely and I’ve surprised myself in echoing the chirp. I’m sometimes guilty of swerving people when I’m feeling glum and nervy, but I seem to have reciprocated the niceties and it’s all been very lovely and friendly.

• Cloud gazing! Beautiful!!!

• Dogs life: sleep when you're tired (mainly upside down), furiously wag your tail when you’re happy, believe everything - and I mean everything - is an edible foodstuff, lick all faces you encounter, be shouty about a lot of things, because, why be calm about things when you can make a scene, and generally just be gloriously silly, loving, joyful and brilliant.

• The last two eps of Clarkson’s Farm - absolutely gutted it’s over and actually, GAWD that is more stressful viewing but, what a fabulous show!!

  

Ok pals, that’s me done for another week

I hope you are bumbling through ok, if not… I’m so with you (for context, just had another panic sob with Mum) but we’ll get through this, ok?!

SO much Love and hugs,

Steph X X X

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Chocolate Brownie Cake

I hadn’t planned to share this recipe this week. But having made it again this week, and acknowledged its soothing powers, I decided you needed it as a matter of urgency.

If you’ve ever wondered where brownie and cake collide (I’m sure you haven’t but humour me) - I think THIS.IS.IT.

Echoing my words above, this stunning specimen is rich, intense, soft and ULTRA chocolate-y, it’s ‘demi-dense’ - not too heavy or ultra fudgy, but still super moist - and has a super fine, spongy crumb. Topped with a wicked moussey chocolate ganache - inspired by my friend Martha - it’s a truly special thing - Am I being a bit dramatic? I believe not, it’s worth shouting about, ok?

The base recipe is simple enough, just weigh, mix (in order), bake, be happy. My one suggestion is that you use a GOOD cocoa powder, you’ll be rewarded with a more intense flavour! The ganache is a touch fickle, and truthfully, I debated switching it for an alternative because it can be a LITTLE temperamental… BUT it just tastes SO good, and I think, with some guidance, we can mitigate any disaster - just make sure you have a good read through the method and the notes below before you get started!

It’s brilliant as is, of course, but you can 100% gild the lily: a spoonful of boozy cherries and a drizzle of cold cream - absolutely! - heated and topped with a ball of vanilla ice cream - a no brainer! Really, it’s up to you how you choose to gobble it, just make sure you do some day!

Enjoy!

Layers of chocolate...

Seriously drool worthy scenes...