#113 Brown Butter, Sesame, white choc cookies.
... and a lot of kitchen reno moaning (sorry).
Operation Kitchen week 1:
If you want to really test your stress levels days before something as mammoth as a kitchen rebuild, a live mouse roaming around the house for two days (bought in by the cat and subsequently caught by the dog), a four-hour power cut* and having to prepare two birthday cakes, should do the job.
*I didn’t know these still existed - such a millennial thing to say!
I felt like I was doing well, you know? Being really brave about this ordeal, taking it all casually in my stride. I knew it would challenge every ounce of my autistic self – for months I’ve been terrified of the unknowns - yet I’d arrived at a place where I naively thought I was going to be fine. I would pivot, diversify, learn to prepare food in different ways, use my new AIR FRYER, live a bit more casually, be spontaneous, and wild. People are faced with actual real-life bad stuff; this would surely be a doddle?
Inevitably, I was quite wrong - I lasted around 2 hours before being a ball of tears, such a lightweight! In some respects, I feel like I’m doing ok, there are manageable bits… we have created a space in the living room that remains vaguely habitable, I’m truly FASCINATED by the progress (that starts with regress of course) – I’m reliving my LEGO obsessed childhood… in real life, Olive, who suffers with a similar degree of anxiety as me, is coping remarkably well, and the days have sort of evaporated. I’ve also developed a new appreciation for the things I customarily have everyday… like my MOKA pot coffee, SPACE to move, stove-cooked porridge, cupboards, drawers and sturdy flat surfaces (my laptop wobbles every time I type a letter with my left hand).
However, I massively underestimated the challenges… like food preparation and everything that it entails, the cloud of dust hanging in the air making your lungs ache, your bogies grey and your eyes scratchy, and the inability to find anything that you recently re-homed (I lost two packets of tablets for 48 hours before finding them perfectly nestled in a tin, and now my beloved purple teaspoon has vanished and I’m scared it was buried in the dishwasher that someone decided to take off the drive in the middle of the night).
You may also remember that I approached this project on a hamster wheel – I literally hadn’t stopped for about 3 or 4 weeks. And I knew I was running headfirst into a wall… which I hit on Monday morning, REALLY hard. I felt so unbearably ill with fatigue and overstimulation, I was completely overwhelmed by the disorder and terrified by my lack of routine. I became anxious to the point of feeling like my heart was beating too slow and I couldn’t catch my breath properly. I couldn’t decompress by mindfully making a cake, and I felt like the challenge we’d taken on was too much… was now a good time to ask if we could back track? No Steph, there’s a sodding enormous hole in the wall.
Nevertheless, as with all things, they don’t last forever, I think I’m learning to adjust a bit, desperately trying to live one moment at a time… and today is day 7 of surviving chaos. I’m not sure how many we have to go but let’s say it’s 56 days total at worst (we hope), that’s only 49 to go right? I hoped I may be able to provide you with some useful survival tools for a kitchen renovation PAHAHAHAHA… nope. A box of tissues to dry your tears, a winning lottery ticket or a second home would probably be my best suggestion.
As I mentioned above food preparation has been the hardest thing to tackle so far and I totally didn’t see this coming – I genuinely thought I’d be Jamie Oliver-ing my way through this marathon NO PROBLEM.
The thing you forget when you’re imaging the scene beforehand is quite how much ‘stuff’ you need to make things. For example:
A simple bowl of pasta? OK, how are you going to boil the pasta? On the gas camping stove? Are you sure that’s safe indoors? Then you’ll need to drain it – where did you put the sieve? Yes, you’ll be draining it in the downstairs loo sink which is the size of a postage stamp, and you have to make your way around the sofa assault course to get there – watch the dog that’s under your feet.
Sauce? No problem – a simple little ricotta number? Maybe with some spinach? Out to the hall for the spinach that’s in the freezer – cook it in the microwave. Drain it (refer to above) … eurgh, there’s stray spinach blocking the plug hole, and you overshot the sink so there’s a tsunami of pond water on the floor with the film of dust – toilet paper and foot to mop it up. Back to the living room, shit, it stinks of food already and it’s like an oven in here – open the windows.
Now for the ricotta sauce… it needs some grated parmesan, lemon zest, oh and nutmeg (good luck finding THAT and let’s hope that the grater is with the nutmeg because you’ll need that too) … and a knob of butter (back to the fridge – around the assault course).
Now the sauce and the pasta need to combine… but the saucepan that everything is now in is far too small so stirring it together results in half on the (wobbling, probably not that hygienic) decorating table and half actually in the pan - nothing is really mixed together. Sod it, chuck it in the (cold) pasta bowls and pretend you’re in Italy.
It’s 7:30pm, you started at 5:30pm… the pasta was average and cold by the time you ate it, you’re freezing because all the windows are open, and now you need to wash everything up… up to the bath.
Then back down to rehome everything you used. I honestly don’t know how people coped in times gone by, it really makes you realise the privileges we have nowadays and just how incompetent we are when faced with this sort of challenge. Maybe I’ll forgo pasta for a few weeks, yeh? (heartbroken).
Anyway, here’s a brief overview of the week in pictures/meals/thoughts:
The final cake out of the old kitchen…
Lots of hacking stuff out and apart, lots of things that look very unsafe, lots of dust.
The carnage elsewhere in the house.
Some superb FAT blueberries and a brilliant Zespri Kiwi - are kiwi in season? (sorry, major digression from the main point here but it’s the small things, right?).
And on the menu – chicken curry reheats, chilli reheats, porridge, microwave baked potatoes, pasta bake reheats, homemade bread (again, from the freezer) with some form of protein for lunches, bananas, nuts & crispy chickpeas for snacks - hoping to expand on this range for next week… wish me luck!
A pretty great black forest Gateau, the pre-demolition kitchen scene, approx 10 minutes after the builder arrived on Monday morning, bricks and dust and things that look like stilts, and more dust, the height of hygiene (the washing up situation - have subsequently opted for the bath), a V.G kiwi, microwave porridge vibes (actually still VERY good). As you can imagine I’m desperately missing be able to bake and over the past few days, have spent far too many minutes scrolling other peoples’ feeds ogling their bakes. In particular, I plan to bake EVERY.SINGLE.ONE of Sophie’s recipes when I get my kitchen back - I’m totally obsessed with her Bake Off themed bakes… I’m a wet wipe with spice and have never *ACTUALLY* tried gochujang BUT… these swirls look PHENOMENAL!
OK…. for the paid subs among you, I have an emergency cookie for you below… I made these last week, just for me and my little head - they weren’t really for public consumption. However, they were surprisingly magnificent and so I figured you had to try them too. They’re the perfect balance of sweet, salty and nutty, with crisp outsides and softer centres… you could switch up the add-ins if sesame and white chocolate aren’t your ‘jam’. They’re pretty simple to prepare and soothing, very soothing. You should defo try them. I’ve also shared a bit more kitchen content below, just a few titbits; the few things I have found useful and stuff I’ve learnt over the past 7 days - SUCH FUN!
Before I go for another week… I can’t finish this without mentioning the tragic death of Liam Payne… I really have been rocked by this news. We just NEVER know what is going on behind the image we see or impression we get of peoples’ lives; my thoughts are with Liam’s family & friends at this time. And I’m sending big, huge, massive love to all of you - especially if life is feeling particularly tough at the moment, I get it; stay strong, surround yourself with people who can provide some comfort for you, and believe that things will get easier and better, because THEY WILL - in the words of Matt Haig (here), hold on, we can do this!!
And finally, thank you again for the unwavering support you’ve shown me, you’re all wonderful!
Steph X X X
MORE kitchen news & some good, lovely, soothing cookies.
So, I said I didn’t have any suggestions for kitchen demolition survival and trust me, I’ve had to really dig deep to acknowledge the better bits but there are things that are definitely supporting this process, so here is a brief list of my saviours from week one:
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