I’ve been sleepwalking through treacle this week. I’m absurdly tired, my legs feel like they’ve just been subjected to an uphill marathon and I’m involuntarily deep-breathing so much that I constantly sound like I’m disgustedly sighing.
Don’t worry though, somehow, I mustered the energy to rugby tackle a Kilner jar off the work top and onto the floor on Tuesday morning; I’m still locating pieces of glass strewn around the house, that and the seeds that were in the jar – seriously, how do things like this TRAVEL? And while we’re on the subject of ‘irritating-things-that-only-happen-when-you-feel-rubbish’, I stewed some rhubarb in an old le Creuset pan on Wednesday. Said pan had previously nurtured a flavoursome chilli and thus, my stewed rhubarb took on delightful notes of meat, onion and spice – not quite the ‘infusion’ I had in mind.
Jokes aside, Mum and I felt so rotten on Monday night that we downloaded Inside Out 2 – oh my goodness, it’s so special, so profound, so GOOD. Whether you’re 5 or 95, you really must make it a priority to watch it, and maybe take notes, I feel like we all need to take notes on this one! The Freddie Flintoff documentary has been very wholesome too.
More on the plus side: it looks like summer just arrived, ABOUT BLOODY TIME. Ok so it’s only been a glimmer of niceness up here in the Northwest - we always seem short changed when it comes to decent weather across the country - but I’m literally soaking up every ounce of blue sky, warm, sunny, loveliness, because frankly the prospect of the bleakness to come is filling me with dread – I’m so full of positivity, aren’t I? Actually, I can spin this one, my grandad would always say that he could cope with winter in the UK because he knew what to expect whereas in the summer, he always hoped for more than he got? He had a point, I have low expectations for the dark side of the year and thus, my propensity to feel deathly gloomy is at least tempered by the fact that I’m vaguely prepared for it.
As for baking, I seem to be embracing simplicity and the classics and nostalgia and comfort… it’s really quite soothing. Last week there was chocolate cake and this week I’ve made cookies (find that joyfulness below), I also did a little 1-bowl brownie experiment for good measure - a very good thing - and I made a super-speedy, fuss-free sponge cake (twice) and subsequently spent far too long prodding it in astonishment - it was SO fluffy, and light, and beautiful - such a supermodel! Oh, and now I’m really craving a good old school cake, you know, the type with thick pink icing! – I’ll make that happen next and report back. If I was a whizzy social media infleuncer-ite, I’d call this my ‘simple series ‘and create well-crafted videos to accompany my recipes. But I’m not that so you’ll have to put up with some very precise, obsessively tested recipes, my endless waffle, and some dodgy photos instead.
Before we move on, I’d like to thank Gilly SO much for: a) making last week’s chocolate cake, b) enjoying it and c) sending me a message to tell me – she also dropped in that her son-in-law, (a chef), was pretty impressed too – I’m still blushing with pride! I love EVERY message I receive, but in terms of confidence in my baking, this is SO valuable. I invest so much time and energy in producing recipes for this newsletter and don’t get me wrong, I love it, but to know that it’s appreciated and that I’m spreading a bit of baking joy around the world feels incredibly rewarding. Thank you, Gilly!
*HUGE MASSIVE THANK YOU to all of you for the messages AGAIN, you’re all so lovely!
Do you fancy a wander back down anxiety highway again? I’m not sure how much stamina I have to deep dive into my soul this week, we’ll see how far I get… warning: when I’m tired, things can get really ramble-y and muddled, so gold star to you if you manage to follow my snakes and ladders brain.
I mentioned before that I was suffering with the guilt and worry surrounding a lack of income and job. I also alluded to the fact that there was more that underpinned this.
At the core of my anxiety and sense of worthlessness is a lack of purpose and fulfilment. And why do I lack purpose and fulfilment? Well, yes, some of it comes down to the fact that I’m not earning or in a job. But also, I just don’t feel like I’m adulting properly, or that I’m contributing to the world like everyone else is. I’m not a good enough friend (I don’t have many friends), family member, or human in general. And I don’t really know how I can make that better, in fact, I don’t know what better would even look like for me.
And I suppose the main thing holding me back from embracing this unidentifiable purpose, is a chronic lack of self-esteem, (which I really hope is never perceived as me grovelling for validation). It’s not necessarily that I doubt my ability to take on certain challenges (although that is sometimes an issue), but more a case of anticipating how the ‘challenge’ is likely to make me feel.
I can’t get inside other people’s bodies to establish how they cope with slightly daunting scenarios, but for me, the most inconsequential circumstances: a phone call, a coffee with someone, a meal out, a visit to friends or family, watching sport, even making a cake, can send my insides (presumably my nervous system) into complete overdrive… I swear a formula 1 driver is probably more chilled at the start of a race than I am faced with day-to-day stuff.
I’ve gone through phases of ‘testing myself’, throwing myself into things to challenge this fear response, and much as I do sometimes ‘cope’ - Bake off, athletics competitions, university (almost DIDN’T survive this one) - my physiological response is more often than not SO debilitating that I’m left feeling utterly exhausted and dejected.
And so, this sense of fragility means that many things - even supposedly good stuff - feel so horrible. Most things lack pleasure - I genuinely can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy - they’re just filled with adrenaline, social anxiety and a sort of low-level nausea. My performance in tasks may also be compromised due to the anxiety and I tend to alienate myself from others because I become quite insular trying to navigate situations… the knock on effect of this is worry, feeling bad for not doing a job perfectly, and guilt because people have been known to perceive my behaviour as aloofness and unfriendliness which LITERALLY breaks my heart - I simply cannot bear the thought that I’ve upset someone or let them down.
Which is a nice segue onto my other issue… caring what others think ALL OF THE TIME and to an obsessive level. That’s something I’ll dig a bit deeper into next week, I think. If you’ve managed to keep up with this scramble of word vomit, I’m impressed. So here ends entry no.3 in the doom diary… we’ll catch up again next week.
… Finally, if you’re here for more upbeat content, I’m armed with 3 juicy nuggets:
Something to make you LAUGH: just set fire to kitchen roll… unsurprising given that I was wafting a piece near the flame of one of the hob rings (I was trying to clean the hob, I’m not a complete idiot). I sometimes wish I had CCTV on me to record these moments because it’s the sort of content that’s omitted in favour of glossy perfection. Anyway, I dithered a LOT, then tried the ‘blow it out’ trick… which made the flame more angry, my next tactic was the violent shake, more anger, plus my hair nearly got involved, and just as things started to get really lively, I did the thing I probably should have done immediately, plunged it into water. Crisis over and a warming aroma of burnt tissue, delicious.
Something to make you YUM - Manchego cheese - why am I so late to the Manchego party? Obv there were tasters in Waitrose this week and it didn’t take much persuasion for me to buy a (small) slab of the stuff. I nibbled it on the way home - is that bad?
Something to make you MARVEL - these cloud shows. I know, it’s not groundbreaking, but I do love a good performance from the skies ‘cotton wool’. There have been some spectacular displays this week, and you know sometimes it can be really mindful to just stop, look up, and take in the wonder of the world.
Right, that’s me done. Keep reading for some magical cookie chat and we’ll catch up again next week.
Sending so much love to you all as always,
Steph x x x
Pea-Nutty chocolate chip cookies
I’ve written about this countless times before, but I find baking profoundly therapeutic. For me, there’s very few downsides to churning out a wholesome batch of bagels, a light, fluffy sponge or a batch of perfectly baked* chocolate chip cookies.
*OK this is always up for debate - but I like mine to be bronze with some sort of dark sugar, to have some crunch towards the edges, and be slightly soft in the centre - heaven.
Echoing the words of Nicola Lamb in her newsletter last week, cookies in particular seem to possess divine powers, they epitomise joy, comfort and sort of scream ‘everything is going to be ok no matter what’. They’re perfect for so many reasons; make them just for yourself, to pass the time, to distract you from the worries of the world and just because you need some sweet comfort… double the joy and make them to share with others - after all, this is the ultimate in baking satisfaction and fulfilment. Cookies (baking in general) are also a great ice breaker; if communication is something you struggle with - lead with a cookie or baked good.
On reflection, cookies deserve more recognition - I’m thinking a knighthood… can I apply on their behalf?
Anyway, this week’s cookies are particularly special because they’re easy enough to prepare, they don’t require a lengthy rest as with some cookie recipes, they’re a perfect balance of sweet, nutty, salty deliciousness, and I’ve found they actually keep quite well, yes they evolve, possibly a 1-2% reduction in texture quality but the flavour is amplified so you know, it’s a no lose situation.
The addition of peanut butter in the dough amplifies the nuttiness and contributes to the perfect texture - a welcome softness in the centre but with some bite towards the edges - meanwhile a combination of soft brown sugars imparts comforting notes of caramel. There are puddles of chocolate marbled through the dough plus some additional roasted peanuts for maximal flavour and a bit more texture.
If you’re feeling ropey in any way, please do yourself a favour and make a batch of cookies - preferably these ones, they’re special!
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