I SO don’t want these newsletters to become a collection of self-indulgent sob stories. I’m acutely aware that it’s ‘all about me’ at the moment and I do hope that doesn’t come across distasteful, but given my current struggles, I feel that sharing the truth is the most authentic way I can show up on here. I guess my hope is that it continues to help a few of you in some small way too.
I just want to say a huge thank you for all your messages in response to my post last week, I never expect your responses, but I genuinely feel so lucky to have such a supportive community on here. Please forgive me if I don’t manage to respond to you all individually, but know that every note is ALWAYS appreciated, in fact I welcome your comments and messages and I love that you support each other too - I want this to be a place where anyone can share their feelings, not feel judged and be supported.
So yeah… just remember how important you all are to me, I don’t take any of it for granted and am eternally grateful.
More grizzly-ness
I cried so much on Tuesday evening just before bed... meltdown, panic attack, I’m not quite sure which best defines it, but I know I couldn’t breathe. I ended up with that blocked nose situation that happens after a sobbing match, and I hate it. I was sniffing Olbas Oil (the hardcore drugs!) well into the early hours to try to alleviate the bunged-up-ness, eventually must have fallen asleep and subsequently woke up at 7am feeling like my eyes had recently done a heavy weights session in the gym. Not cute!
The point is… my sadness is complicated… there’s prickly surface level stuff and then there are the much deeper factors. I find it hard to unpick it all and even harder to articulate it but I’m going to give it a go.
The surface level stuff
I’m ashamed to admit this, but the crux of a lot of my angst is that I’m not earning enough money to live.
I don’t like talking about money, it feels like a topic that shouldn’t be discussed… I also sense that I sound hopelessly superficial admitting that it’s a worry… I think about people worse off than me; I think about people suffering for whatever reason be it health, grief, famine, bullying… and here I am saying I’m struggling because I’m not earning enough, it feels crude and #poor me.
The caveat to my woes is that I’m also incredibly fortunate. As you all know, I live with my Mum, and she supports me almost entirely. The truth is that we’re ok, so really, I shouldn’t moan, but the reality is that the situation, as it is, isn’t sustainable in the long term, and this terrifies me.
Underpinning my financial woes is my lack of a full-time job. There’s so much complexity to this which I won’t go into now - we’ll be here all day - but the upshot is that I feel like a relentless failure for my woeful career history. It’s easy to argue that ‘just going and getting a job’ is the solution here, trust me, I think it a lot, I’m my worst critic. But the reality is far more complex.
Before I was diagnosed with autism, I held the belief that I was the problem… in fact, I’m still finding it hard to shake this belief. However, I am starting to acknowledge that, as an autistic, I’m not unique in having struggled to fit into the conventional workplace, not to mention struggling to fit into society in general. I’ve read numerous accounts of others who have found it difficult too; many never having had a job and others facing huge prejudices and challenges in the work environment. Whilst I take some comfort in knowing I’m not alone, this doesn’t make my situation any less difficult, and it’s hard to let go of the shame, guilt and this sense that I’ve never ‘fulfilled my potential’.
The sad thing is that I’ve always wanted to do big, amazing, magical things and be a proper adulting grown up. And I’m not lazy, in fact, I work myself to the point of exhaustion when I feel safe, understand what I’m doing, and have support, structure, order, and a routine to work to (Hello, Bake Off). But, in the real world, I don’t quite know what or how (the how being both landing the role and subsequently thriving in it) to achieve the greatness I aspire to.
Early doors, I wanted to be an Olympian but amongst many things, I couldn’t control my anxiety. Aged 18, I wanted to go to Oxford university like Mum did, but chose a subject I lacked scientific knowledge of, and having landed an interview, was completely out of my depth in. I wanted to be a pilot like my dare-devil uncle, an accountant like my wizard sister, I wanted to help others so I thought I’d like to be like personal trainer, Joe wicks - I actually got a qualification for this but found the environment and social aspect impossible to cope with - and I’ve always dreamt of being part of the F1 circus (although I can’t imagine a position that would suit me).
After 3 years at university that nearly killed me (no exaggeration), I fell into a number of ‘safe roles’; one alongside my Mum, another in a restaurant, there was short stint in Topshop, and latterly I worked part time in a running shop, none of these jobs fulfilled me and in every instance I desperately struggled. I’d arrive home from work after each shift utterly exhausted from being totally overstimulated all day. I faced huge social challenges, some low-key bullying, was misunderstood at times, and some simple tasks eluded me which compounded my anxiety and sense of worthlessness.
Then I found baking, and actually it’s the first thing that’s felt more natural… I’m totally obsessed with everything about it at the most detailed level, it lights my fire.
Even now though, I have aspirations to be an expert of the pastry world, as skilled and knowledgeable as Darcie Maher and as outgoing and animated as Massimo Bottura (not a pastry chef but such an inspirational guy), but I don’t possess the confidence or stamina to step into the arenas that would help me learn more and prosper.
I share the passion demonstrated by the masters of the food world but lack the confidence to immerse myself in the frenetic, demanding environments. And so, I just feel this sense of despair, fear and genuine panic, like… OMG, why can’t I be like everyone else and just DO these things?
I also want to be more of an advocate for autism, particularly in females. I want to support others, possibly pave the way for a future that can accommodate autistics better and enable them to live more fulfilling lives…. but I don’t know where to start.
Basically, I’m an unhelpful contradiction of ambition and reticence.
Add to this my deep sense of loneliness and disconnect from the world, my sensitivity to everything, and my constant guilt for being too much of some things and too little of others, and it makes for a not so happy-ful situation.
…and this only really touches the surface of the grizzly day-to-day stuff. What lies beneath is even more complex… I’ll save you from that for now, you’ve heard more than enough for one week - in fact, I’m seriously doubting myself having written all this, it sounds so pitiful reading it back, I’m also not sure if it makes any sense… if I don’t end up deleting it all and you are indeed subjected to reading it, apologies for my endless grumbles.
One thing I do want to add though… currently, life feels really bleak, BUT there’s no way I’m giving up on it. I may feel like I can’t get any lower, that I’m more anxious and unsure than I’ve ever been, and more helpless than I thought possible, but I won’t be beaten. After all, there are so many ways of making a chocolate cake that I haven’t yet discovered, and more bread to make, marvel at and, and thoroughly enjoy devouring, so I won’t be giving up the fight any time soon!
And FINALLY (promise I’m almost done)… to be sure I end on a bit more of a positive note… I have some tiny fun nuggets to share and a choccy cake recipe that (I hope) may add a bit of sparkle to ANY grey day… more on that in a moment (spoiler, it’s the easiest, quickest cake to make… no skill required, and so much pleasure when consumed - cake medicine, I’m telling you!).
The random glimmers from my week:
Other than chocolate cake, I’ve concluded that Bagels are one of my top therapy bakes… I made them last weekend and the whole process is just wonderfully cathartic.
Never NOT excited by the 10-point general knowledge quiz in the Saturday newspaper that I invariably score terribly on, oh AND a ‘spot the dupe’ feature in You magazine which demonstrates that very similar garments can be purchased from 3 different retailers for very different prices (you have to guess which ones which in terms of their price level… I’m also very bad at this but find myself intrigued by each week). I know, I need to get out more.
Picked up a gnarly wedge of Comté from the cheese counter in Waitrose this week and OMG, it’s SO good, I can’t stop shaving slivers off it!
…the Prosecco taster was also very lovely!!!
On that note - I’m REALLY craving a supper of cheese and biscuits (glass of wine on the side), I should make this a priority!
I’m SO embarrassingly stupid with social media; a friend shared someone else’s story on Instagram (I only twigged to this after about 10 minutes of trying to work out what I was looking at). I then replied to it (assuming I was replying to my friend) but somehow managed to reply to the person who was being shared, not the sharer (my friend)… are you still with me? So, a poor girl who I only really know by association received a random and quite abrupt message from me stating ‘I’ve never been’, referring to the cafe that she had shared a picture of. I felt very bad and had to send a lengthy, grovelling message explaining my error. I’ve convinced myself that she now hates me.
I’ve just made fresh pasta and I’m having it with Tomato & mascarpone sauce for dinner tonight… that’s a lie, it’s tomato and ricotta because I realised I had no mascarpone left having started to make it. Incidentally, it turns out ricotta is a very good substitute. This must be (one of) the most iconic 90’s/early noughties dishes, right?
OK, I said these were the fun bits but does anyone else sense Autumn in the air? I’m absolutely NOT ready for it, can we just press pause or even rewind for a bit?
I’ve not thought this through… it’s a golden rule is to always end on a positive isn’t it? and I can’t think of another one…
WAIT… SPORT, how could I forget sport. It’s back and I’m so here for it. Athletics, F1, Paralympics, Hello old friends!
OK, I’m done… keep scrolling for a bit of chocolate cake therapy and we’ll chat again next week.
Sending so much love to you all,
Steph X X X
A Seriously decent choc cake – in my opinion… I think…
About this cake… gosh, I’m so embarrassed about this. I’ve been on a quest for a perfect chocolate cake forEVER. I’m actually not even sure what I’m looking for anymore, but once I fixate on something, I simply CANNOT eject it from my brain. So, not for the first (Second or third) time this year, I made countless chocolate cakes this week.
This chocolate cake journey was actually sparked by an image I had seen one on Instagram last week - I thought the cake in question looked UNBELIEVABLE and I simply couldn’t erase it from my mind. I ended up (embarrassingly) messaging multiple friends in the baking world asking for their advice… honestly, I’m the most irritating person. I had sort of given up on my quest, then on Monday morning, I decided to have a go at ONE more rendition. I decided to simplify things, I wanted to make something small - enough for just a few people - it had to be a cake that would last a couple of days, and any leftovers could be heated and eaten as pudding later in the week, I also wanted it to be a cake that required little effort - because effort isn’t something I can cope with that well at the moment - and obviously it had to actually taste of chocolate (no insipid choc cake PLEASE).
I’m not sure if fate was on my side but somehow, I managed to land on something pretty magical with this one… it’s very loosely based on Rav Gill’s ‘Lazy person choc cake’, although I’ve halved the recipe, upped the fat and sugar, and reduced the bicarb a bit. I have also made it as streamlined as possible doing it all in one bowl (although, please note, the order of the method DOES matter here).
I’m NEVER confident in myself... ever. But I *THINK* I’m really quite proud of this one, is it the best chocolate cake ever? Honestly, we can never be sure, but I do believe anyone can make it… and frankly, you probably should! The recipe calls for 2 x 6 inch round cake tins but if you only have an 8 inch round tin, you can bake it all in that and just put a simple layer of chocolate ganache on top. Alternatively, double the quantities and bake in 2 x 8 inch cake tins for a larger cake!
I believe this cake covers many bases: it’s food therapy, it’s bake therapy, it’s simple, it tastes excellent, it’s a moment or a few moments of happiness and I think you should probably try it.
p.s. please read the recipe through (as well as the NOTE at the bottom before you crack on… I never do this, and I really recommend it here!!).
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