Another week in the gutter…
Hmm… it’s hard to conjure up positives when you’re feeling at your lowest, some would argue that you can’t fall any further, but given that this can’t be proven, I don’t even have confidence in that.
It’s unsurprising that I’ve found myself back in the depths of despair this week, as many of you well know, this has been my default state for many months now. I’ve had moments of ok-ness, usually bought about by a distraction of some sort - the glossy things that miraculously lift you or enable you to bury your head from the worry and gloom - the latest being the Olympics of course. The problem is that as soon as these glimmers have evaporated, I’ve been harshly launched back to reality and somehow each time I return, it feels far bleaker than it did before.
On Monday, I cried a lot. I did on Tuesday too. My sense of despair felt so extreme, I was riddled with anxiety, I felt/feel? so worthless, helpless, scared, selfish, ungrateful, tired - always tired. And how do I untangle myself from this state? How do I walk out into the World and pretend things are ok? How do I show up here and admit that level of shit-ness… again? There are so many people worse off than me and yet here I am hating life.
It’s so tempting to lie about how I’m doing (although you all know that I’m not very good at doing this), or to run away, to disappear (I’d fail at that too - I’d have tripped and fallen over before I reached the end of my road).
Instead, I’m back here again, writing it down. A doom diary of sorts.
I know I’ve said it before, but it feels so wrong to lay myself bare, to admit feeling awful. People only seem to reveal their hard times when they’re ‘better’ - it’s like the episodes of anguish are shrouded in shame and head-on-one-side pity and they can only be spoken about if there is a fairytale conclusion.
Don’t get me wrong, the message is usually one of hope and that’s great, but why don’t people document the gloom? Why is it frowned upon to share the raw honesty about our feelings in the moment that they exist? Can’t we help one another by sharing those in-the-moment hard times?
Lucky (or not) for you, I’m sharing mine, I’m afraid it’s not full of positivity…
Having sleepwalked through the start of the week I somehow found the strength to write a few emails to some people asking for guidance and a bit of support. One yielded a chat to an old friend (I cried during this too) but it also allowed me to talk and make sense of a bit of the chaos. I’m having another chat next week. I also got a few lovely text messages from people… it was as if the universe sensed my pain and sprinkled a little bit of fairy dust over me. Mum’s religiously been there to mop up my tears, and a handful of low effort bakes yielded remarkably rewarding results.
On Wednesday afternoon, still feeling pretty rubbish about myself, I decided it might help to apply some bright red lipstick. It did for an hour - it felt like a power move. And on Thursday morning, when confronted by someone in the gym, I didn’t run off… in fact, I’d go as far as to say, I was quite helpful and nice to them - you can give me a round of applause if you like! I also made some tart rhubarb jam with home-grown rhubarb gifted to us by the neighbours - homemade and homegrown things ALWAYS have the edge on shop bought! And I’ve just made a batch of cookies. Nice.
So it’s not been a good week… I feel really awful about myself, but I’m trying to acknowledge my small wins and remaining hopeful that next week will feel a little brighter.
Below is a recipe of those feta, honey & fennel seed demi-brioche buns I told you about last week - I’m proud of these, they’re really quite special, as for next week, I’m thinking chocolate cake or more cookies… both are medicine, right?
Love to you all,
Steph X X X
Feta, Honey, Fennel Seed buns
As I mentioned last week, these buns were inspired by THIS pastry produced by the Dusty Knuckle bakery in London. I adore the combination of salty feta, sweet, floral honey and anise fennel. Being a bread addict, I thought it would be outstanding in a soft brioche-style bread bun… and so I set about developing this recipe.
I know I’ve said this before about bakes, but these buns are another example of feel-better-food… they epitomise foodie comfort.
The dough is comprised of both strong and plain flour for a balance of chewiness and tenderness. It’s speckled with finely ground aromatic fennel seed and subsequently enriched with olive oil and honey for a perfect balance of flavour and texture. The feta is incorporated at the end of the mixing process, yielding salty, tangy pearls throughout the baked dough. A sprinkling of seeds and a pinch more grated feta before they hit the oven, followed by an extra drizzle of honey as soon as they’re baked rounds them off perfectly!
If you enjoy the combination of sweet and salty, I strongly advise you have a go at these!
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